as a child growing up i had such a different idea about how my life would turn out to be as an adult. it feels almost fairy-tale like, now that i think about it. i felt i would have my career sorted in my twenties. a stable , “settled” life in my thirties. and here i am, clueless and confused as ever. whatever happened in all these years?? as a pubescent young teenager i knew i was insanely attracted to the male gender and male bodies. however, at that time, this was in the 90s, i didn’t know of the term ‘gay’ even. so i didn’t know what is that i felt , but i forced myself to looking at girls and “trying” to fantasize about them. certainly, it didn’t work ; but i did end up liking the boys even more. in the midst of this sexuality drama , which included lots of carnal interludes and sleazy hook-ups; i did manage to get admission into a medical college. and a good one at that. i thought i would have all my answers at the end of MBBS course and life would be smooth sailing from then on. as i stepped into my twenties, i met this guy and fell in love ; whilst i was “sort-of” dating a girl at the same time. and then like a reflex, everything just happened. i broke off from the girl by telling her the truth about myself ; slowly and eventually came out to my friends in the college and became quite unapologetically so at that. i felt this to be one of the biggest achievements then, and felt so lighter. as i said, i also fell in love with this guy. this was new for me. and i had a very romanticized version of it in my head on how it would span out. sadly, it was anything but that. there was romance but it came at a price. this is a price which no one is ever prepared for. because all one wants is love and peace and bliss, nobody bothers about anxiety, insecurity and infidelity. that’s what i got. i didn’t know about any of it , until i was faced with it. and i didn’t handle it very well. the tumultuous relationship did stretch for a few years, but it burnt me at the end of it. it burnt my ideas and aspirations about love and security to cinders. it gave me a sense of unsavory feeling about fidelity and loyalty. more importantly , it stopped me from trusting . a huge loss for me. but i couldn’t shake it off. it was almost like my soul was ripped apart of the want for love. through all of this , i did struggle with my entrance exams for my post graduate studies and did get a seat too. i had thought, i had almost done the insurmountable, then came the after effects of break up and the gruelling, punishing years of medical post graduate studies. trust me, you are never prepared for any of these. the emotions, the feeling of bereavement, the utter panic , the anxiety pangs are weapons of soul disruption. however, i am still alive and not writing this from an asylum, is a testament to the resilience i did manage to conjure up. from where if you ask; well, from within. because i had nowhere else to look. i had to look deep within myself , to ask myself to stand up despite the overbearing , overwhelming sense of distraught and disbelief. the sense of survival can come at the most unassuming times. it doesn’t come with a drumroll as in the movies. nor was it an epiphany. it was just about getting up each day and going through it, because i was breathing. and because i was breathing, i felt i should survive. to come to think of it, it feels like a blur. also because there was gallons of alcohol involved. which wiped out quite a lot of my unpleasant memory and hopeless feelings. there were lot many hook-ups too. meaningless and mindless. it did help me to forget my pain and angst temporarily, but only to haunt me later with double dose of draconian depravity. as i reached my thirties through all of it, still standing, still breathing and haven’t becoming an alcoholic or sex-addict; i thought this is it. now my life will sort itself out. if only…
i battled with the completion of my post graduate studies. they were trying times. i had to wrestle with the mediocrity tag which was sort of looming over my head. i didn’t, i don’t want to be mediocre. that was the only thing i was sure of. mediocre people give up and let them get sucked into the annals of mundaneness. i didn’t want that. not at any cost. so i tried; i fought with my might; to breathe and go through. amidst this , i was also hopelessly falling out of the sense of romance and companionship. none of this i had envisioned for me. never had i thought, that i would have to deal with a bleeding heart and a bruised soul. we are never taught these life lessons. but life gives it to you!
such an imperfectly built life! i still don’t have any answers about my life. my career is somewhat stable currently; however, still far from what i would like it to be. love life is near zilch. but i know i want more. and that’s a good thing. i haven’t given up. i am trying each day to love myself. a little bit more than the previous day. i am trying to be authentic to my emotions, thoughts and personality. it’s a constant struggle. but i am on it. i am also trying to be hopeful. about love. and loss. i am trying to have an open mind to experiences and energies. things that will surprise me. things that might alter my life’s course altogether . great things. maybe not-so-great things. but wonderful, fascinating things. i am hopeful and incredibly grateful for this imperfectly, perfect life. wouldn’t change a thing!
until next time, be kind to yourself. lots of love.
~JUST A GAY BOY.
the shiny diaries 