Am I capable of accepting Love?

I was having a conversation with a friend recently and I just blurted out, that I find it quite difficult to accept love. In that moment, my subconscious truth became my conscious reality. This distressing realisation unburdened me at many levels. At the same time, made me confront my inner demons. What makes me so weary and dreary about accepting love? Could it be because my parents, though loved and cared for me enough, never vocally expressed it to me, and I had to forever guess and decipher their “unsaid” love through various actions and gestures? Could it be because of having various previous relationships wherein again I was left querulous regarding their love for me and I had subjected myself again to prod and rummage through their actions to find this shiny token of love? Could it be because of the fact, that these repeat circumstances have made me accustomed to a notion that love for me comes only through unspoken words, uncomfortable silences, and unfathomable gestures?

So when I become a recipient of love which is direct and obvious, my brain doesn’t understand it. My first reflex then is to reject this love. I do everything in my might to sabotage it, so that I can go back to a familiar place of yearning.

The more I thought about this perilous paradox I had boxed myself in, I inferred that this predicament is due to my lacking of self worth. I don’t see myself good enough to accept unbridled love and friendship. My self love journey has been conditional till so far. I haven’t truly loved myself enough. And this outburst was so telling.

To change the narrative of my life, I need to bring self love into everyday actions. So through my ugly days, worst behaviours, fears, anxieties and insecurities, I am and I will love myself. I can imagine how strenuous this is going to be; but I know I want to be loved and when it happens I want to hold it with all my heart and own it as mine without any doubt. This can happen when I walk the talk. I am going to show up for myself and embrace me during the darkest of nights and the brightest of days. Here’s to a lovable 2021 !