I have always disconnected with friends once they have stopped making sense to me. You can say I have ghosted them most of the times. I haven’t felt sorry for doing so. I couldn’t take their bad behaviours anymore. I did what I did to protect my psyche; my energy.
Currently I am and have been in sort of a “funk”. It isn’t something I am experiencing for the first time. These periods come and go. More often than I can even acknowledge. Its also when my anxiety is at an all time high.
Previously I have always tried to deflect the “funk”. Frantically try to engage in various activities. Not only would it turn out to be miserable, but also , most importantly, would always make me feel exasperated and completely invalid.
This time too I did things as if its a conditioned reflex. But I stopped. Because I was aware of the known futility and hence respected it. I always know the origins of my funk and anxiety. I know what’s triggering me this time too. It’s my feeling of worthlessness. I am no longer exciting for my own self.
How does one get over this? In the past; I did things just so that I can be exciting to myself again. Whether it was partying, hooking up, trying new activities etc. All this and more so that I can tolerate myself again. Constantly putting on a show! My show , my charade always went on! Audience was Anxiety.
So many shows and still my audience is never satisfied and keeps wanting more. So this time I stopped the show abruptly. I no longer have new tricks up my sleeve. And instead I am on the stage staring. Doing nothing. Just being. Blah.
I have always abandoned my anxiety. Though its been my most faithful audience. I tried being it’s friend. But probably I was doing it on my terms. So here I am; on this stage; in a funk fugue ; and wanting to and trying to engage with my anxiety.
“I have given you the front row seat this time. You are important. Let’s talk.
Happy friendship day, Anxiety. ”
~ JUST A GAY BOY . 🤪