The New Language

Learning a new language is never easy. You have to start from the alphabets; know the common words; form simple sentences; learn the grammar; and slowly and steadily build vocabulary. It always helps if you converse (however broken and terrible you may sound during the initial days). It just builds your confidence in the language you are learning.

I had a distraught attempt at learning Spanish couple of years ago. I never went beyond the first level and you can say I have completely forgotten everything I had learnt.

I am learning a new language again. Its the Language to Self. Till about recently, my language to self was steeped in condescension. I was the first person to put myself down. Since I always lacked self worth, the words that I chose for myself were forever the synonyms of negativity. Poverty in affirmative adjectives was very telling if someone were to hear me talk about myself. Since I was coming from a place of scarcity, insecurity and indignation; not only did I attract similar surroundings and situations, but also people who spoke verbose in the language of Scorn. Despite my achievements and me able to perceive them even; I had become absolutely focused in celebrating my defeats, highlighting my faults and amplifying my mistakes. Rightfully so, my brain had identified by now, that, ‘this’ is MY language. Hence it became quite colloquial and congenial in it.

As I began the work on myself roughly about two years ago; I started realising and acknowledging my worth. But that wasn’t enough at all. I realised its so important to understand what “Language to Self” I was telling myself. All the understanding about self-worth and self-love still seemed heavy and indifferent. I couldn’t recognise it. My brain couldn’t comprehend it. How could it? Since I was still operating on an outdated “language to self”.

I think it’s just been couple of months that I have started a brand new “Language to Self”. And oh my god, it’s so difficult! To erase what has been like a rote learning; is quite challenging. But what has compelled me to stay on till I get it right; is the realisation that I was and had become my own worst nightmare. I didn’t need external sources to make me feel wretched; my (then!) “Language to Self” had been enough.

The new “Language to Self “ is true, gentle and kind. Its confident and clear. Its also Self-parenting. Only this time round, the words are appreciative and the algorithm is full of affection and love. My brain sure is bamboozled. As a reflex, it keeps putting up antonyms to the above. But now since it also knows the existence of another new language; it’s changing the words and hence the meaning of my life.

As i said before, whilst learning a new language, it’s important to converse. I am doing that. I do struggle with the vocabulary but I know I shall soon have a cracking ‘vocab’ !

Brain, you can wait.

The new “Language to Self” is a hug for my heart.

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 😍

Author: theshinydiaries

Being authentic; one day at a time! View all posts by theshinydiaries