Shuggie Bain by Douglas Stuart

There are some stories which are gut wrenching. There are some truths which are so disturbing that we always prefer to overlook or have a toned down version of it. Shuggie Bain is a story which lays bare some of these unsettling truths. Truths about substance abuse, sexual abuse, rape, bullying are unflinchingly narrated by Douglas Stuart through the story of Shuggie and his mother Agnes. Agnes struggles with alcoholism and is unable to accept her own misery. The addiction makes her succumb to random men for sexual and at times emotional gratification. But the men view Agnes as an addict and promiscuous woman, and treat her with condescension. Many of them rape her, sexually molest her. Shuggie becomes a witness to these horrid incidents in his own home. Throughout his growing up, he only sees his mother descending into depravity and denial; but he still hopes the best for her. He takes it upon himself to make her well.

The book can be difficult to read, especially the instances of Agnes hell bent on destroying herself. The apathy for her own self makes her sabotage all the relationships with her loved ones including the one with Shuggie. At the same time, Shuggie is struggling to cope up with his love for his mother and always wondering why his love isn’t enough for her. He also comes to terms with his sexuality albeit the toxic masculinity that engulfs him.

The book, winner of 2020 Booker Prize, is written in Scottish English which took me a while to get used to. But I applaud the writer for keeping it so real, whether it’s the language or the adversities. I found this book challenging to read, because it was seeped in doom. We are used to seeing silver linings and redemptions but at times, doom is an eternal verity. Sigh.

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 😭

2021

More authentic.

More present.

More real.

More truthful.

More love.

More cuddles.

More forgiving.

More kind.

More consistent.

More resilient.

More dancing.

More feasting.

More growth.

More healing.

More still.

More music.

More books.

More conversations.

More laughs.

More sweat.

Plus de français.

More hugs.

More listening.

More accepting.

More new.

More living.

More soul.

More me.

This is 2021.

Happy New Year.

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 😃

Am I capable of accepting Love?

I was having a conversation with a friend recently and I just blurted out, that I find it quite difficult to accept love. In that moment, my subconscious truth became my conscious reality. This distressing realisation unburdened me at many levels. At the same time, made me confront my inner demons. What makes me so weary and dreary about accepting love? Could it be because my parents, though loved and cared for me enough, never vocally expressed it to me, and I had to forever guess and decipher their “unsaid” love through various actions and gestures? Could it be because of having various previous relationships wherein again I was left querulous regarding their love for me and I had subjected myself again to prod and rummage through their actions to find this shiny token of love? Could it be because of the fact, that these repeat circumstances have made me accustomed to a notion that love for me comes only through unspoken words, uncomfortable silences, and unfathomable gestures?

So when I become a recipient of love which is direct and obvious, my brain doesn’t understand it. My first reflex then is to reject this love. I do everything in my might to sabotage it, so that I can go back to a familiar place of yearning.

The more I thought about this perilous paradox I had boxed myself in, I inferred that this predicament is due to my lacking of self worth. I don’t see myself good enough to accept unbridled love and friendship. My self love journey has been conditional till so far. I haven’t truly loved myself enough. And this outburst was so telling.

To change the narrative of my life, I need to bring self love into everyday actions. So through my ugly days, worst behaviours, fears, anxieties and insecurities, I am and I will love myself. I can imagine how strenuous this is going to be; but I know I want to be loved and when it happens I want to hold it with all my heart and own it as mine without any doubt. This can happen when I walk the talk. I am going to show up for myself and embrace me during the darkest of nights and the brightest of days. Here’s to a lovable 2021 !

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 😍

Against the Loveless world by Susan Abulhawa

Very few books have a compelling energy about them. They can captivate you enough to sit up and take stock of your beliefs and perspectives. This wonderment of a book by the gifted Susan Abulhawa; is one such example. It’s a poignant parable on Palestine, it’s people and it’s decades long struggle for existence.

The story chronicles the life of the feisty and feminist Nahr from Kuwait through Jordan and eventually Palestine. From leading an ordinary, unassuming life obsessing over boys, to becoming a high profile escort, only later to become a Palestinian freedom fighter whom the Israelis label as terrorist and hence incarcerate her for sixteen years; Nahr’s trajectory is unconventional and invincible. The book is peppered with strong female leads. Special mention of the audacious and ebullient Iraqi woman, Um Buraq who challenges every patriarchal norm her way.

The book renders an unflinching and brutally honest take on the Palestinian war. It’s unapologetic on the loathing for Israel and America. The author portrays Palestinian women as strong, gallant and fiercely independent. Leading this women’s movement is Nahr who battles patriarchy in its most ugly and repugnant forms of dominance, ownership and rape. The book oscillates between the geographical freedom struggle and the struggle of a woman to owning her body.

Susan permeates the book with the rich, vibrant and endearing culture of Palestine and the Levant. Food, music and clothes are described in alluring details. The topography of Palestine looks resplendent through the words of the author. The book which is the recipient of the Palestine Book Awards 2020 and now nominated for Aspen Words, is a necessity. The world needs to know the truth. The world needs to know that abayas and hijabs can be equally formidable.

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 🤩

The Discomfort of Evening

Winner of International Booker Prize 2020

Winner of the International Booker Prize 2020, this book written by the Dutch novelist Marieke Lucas Rijneveld and ingeniously translated by Michele Hutchison, is dark, gory and everything blasphemous.

It’s narrated by the ten year old girl Jas, who experiences the sudden catastrophic death of her brother. She now, has to, not only make peace with it , but also appear normal about it. This is in stark contrast to her entire family wherein every member is unravelling. Her strict christian parents and pubescent siblings, each develop dangerously self destructive behaviours that corrode the very existence of their fragile, deliberate, emotionally unavailable ties. Jas wears a red coat and never takes it off; lets toads live in her coat; develops chronic constipation which consumes most of her thoughts and becomes almost allegorical. Her mother’s attempts at preserving her own depression causes more damage to Jas in the form of delusions. Her patriarchal father is forever focussed on her poo and only commands or recites hymns. Her siblings are exploratory with their bodily growth and hormones. In short, the environment is suffocating, claustrophobic and deeply calamitous.

The author , who goes by the pronouns they/them; puts Death as the protagonist here. The faltering attempts of the family at grappling with Death, makes them emotionally dead. Not all of us can handle death of a loved one. This book is an unflinching, almost repugnant take on it’s varied ramifications on human beings.

The narration is at a languid pace. The events are stark; a lot of them include the “bum-hole”. The book also gets quite defiantly incestuous; which actually made me squirm. The writing can get tedious at places; however I’m sure, it’s not something you must have read before.

So, do I recommend the book? I stand divided in a discomforting silence.

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 😷

Burnt Sugar / Girl in White Cotton by Avni Doshi

Avni Doshi’s book, Longlisted for the Booker Prize 2020; is quite an uncomfortable read. It’s an uncensored narrative of our human psyche. There are moments in this book that can leave you bewildered, make you squirm! I haven’t read anything like this book; till so far.

The story is about a mother and daughter; Tara and Antara; and their constricted, contrived and conniving relationship. Tara is a full embodiment of a bohemian woman living life on her terms. For Tara, it’s always she who comes first; Antara is an afterthought. Antara lives a life of maternal abandonment and resentment. She grows into despising her mother, but later when Tara develops dementia; Antara is left with no choice but to take care of her mother and hence, confront all her demons.

The book is unabashedly despondent. The nuances of Tara’s dementia and Antara’s postpartum depression are deftly described. Antara’s truths which she keeps buried in her soul are unkind, treacherous and diabolical when seen from Tara’s perspective. This narrative which puts hate and oblivious duplicity as it’s protagonists; gives scope and dimensions to uncharted recesses of our human mind.

It’s so ironic, that my previous read was all about maternal love.

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 😮

How we fight for our lives by Saeed Jones

“Our mothers are why we are here.”

This memoir of a black, gay man growing up in Texas and Kentucky, is a moving parable of the unspoken love for his mother; as much as it is an ode to his trysts with finding himself and making peace with his sexuality.

Saeed Jones builds an immersive narrative about his adolescent years; which was often abound in confusion and angst. He brings to our knowledge how he used his sexuality as a weapon against himself. The umpteen hook ups with strangers; wherein sex is no longer about pleasure and orgasm; but about filling a vast void of pain and loneliness; is so telling and disturbingly resonant with what most gay guys go through (including me), irrespective of race, geography or ethnicity.

Second half of the book is all about his mother and his faltered, fractured relationship with her. Saeed describes that, despite his immense love for her; how he’s always found it difficult to paraphrase it and show it in action. The silence between him and his mother is deafening. The love difficult and demanding at times.

The book is poetic in it’s rendition. The emotional journey is so deftly articulated. It made me misty eyed for the most bit; but warmed my soul nonetheless.

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 🤗

Queenie

Easy breezy read but remains deeply impactful. Queenie tells the story of Queenie Jenkins, a 25-something Jamaican woman living in London and her trysts with breakup, hook ups, childhood trauma, alcohol, racism, and failing career. Queenie doesn’t seem to have anything going right for her. Her life is a summation of one wrong choice after another. The alacrity with which she seems to throw away her life and her body to random men, do nothing but make her traumas impossible, bleeding further into her soul. Her lack of self respect and self love that leads her into this rabbit hole of self sabotage until she hits rock bottom, is quite unnerving. Her gradual rise back is very real and un-heroic. During this process there are no drumrolls and it isn’t glossy and joyful. In fact, the path to recovery and healing is bumpy, painful and teary. Like it’s for any of us. We are all unconventional heroes like Queenie , we do wrong choices, suffer the consequences and then move towards redemption. The book felt quite personal to me. Cathartic at times. My mid twenties were a lot like Queenie’s. They were difficult times but I did write a new chapter eventually. Just like Queenie Jenkins!

Kudos to Candice Carty-Williams for telling an unapologetically moving rendition of a damaged black woman. We need more such stories. Real and full of grit.

Also is it just me or did anyone else notice the fact, that the book resembled a lot like Fleabag; in the portrayal of it’s lead characters?!

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 🤠

How are we handling the quarantine?

Needless to say these are difficult times. Unprecedented and unexpected. I never thought “viral” will take such a literal and frightening meaning in 2020. With the world in a lockdown and social distancing being the buzzword, it seems we are living out of an apocalyptic Hollywood movie!

I, particularly, haven’t taken to this quarantine situation in a very affirmative way. My brain is almost listless and I feel energy depleted. My anxiety is up and about and keeping me company all the time. I struggled with trying to deflect my thoughts to something more “positive”, everytime my mind went into a quandary; however, it only made me feel worse. So have I found a solution or do I have a fix for this? Sadly I haven’t and I don’t.

So what’s the point of writing this, if you are wondering. It’s just to say that it’s okay. It’s okay to be feeling terrible and hopeless, it’s okay to not feel anything. We needn’t feel pressurised to feel a particular way or have some agenda for this period ( social media is abuzz with just that). There’s no necessity to arrive on the other side of quarantine with a beach body or having mastered tons of skills and languages.

The priority during such a time should be our mental health. Let’s take care of ourselves in the most gentle way. Let’s be kind to our feelings and emotions now, more than ever. Let me remind you, our every thought is valid. Let’s just do what we can, to tide through this crisis. What have I been doing? Workouts and reading. Both calm me down to an extent.

Follow people on social media who bring you solace. Engage in conversations that provide warmth and validation. Do anything and everything that is bringing you relief. There is no right or wrong answer here. Each one of us is different, hence our response to the quarantine is going to be obviously different. Instead of offering solutions (guilty!) let’s just support one another, lift each other up, and be kind.

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 😑

The beekeeper of Aleppo

How do you portray hope and redemption in a story about refugee crisis? How do you not show the refugees as victims when in reality they truly are the victims of the world’s wrongdoings. How can you depict subtlety and art in the midst of bomb explosions and deaths? Christy Lefteri has deftly handled the topic of refugees by taking us on this utterly emotional journey through the characters of Nuri and Afra; and without making it a slob-fest.

The story captures the beauty of Aleppo in Syria, through the lives of Nuri, a beekeeper and his wife Afra. The desert is as gorgeous as a river, according to Nuri. The book romanticises the science of beekeeping and you literally fall in love with the honey bees. However, Aleppo falls prey to the devastating Syrian Civil War (still ongoing) and the city soon becomes a remnant of death, destruction and darkness. Nuri and Afra find themselves at the crossroads of despair and gloom. Christy traces their journey from being respectable Syrian citizens to disreputable, unworthy, unwanted refugees; as they escape Aleppo, traveling through Istanbul, Laros, Athens, to London.

To tell a story about refugees, one can get consumed by the rightful depravity of the situation to the extent of almost celebrating it. However, Christy never once, lets the depravity do the talking. The deeply fractured yet humane souls of Nuri and Afra make this story nuanced, emotionally articulate and sensorial.

Christy, born to Cypriot refugee parents in London, has volunteered at a refugee center in Athens and through her interactions and experiences with the people there, has penned this deeply moving story. Many people never find redemption through such a crisis. They are lost to the world. It’s unsettling to note, that despite all of us being exactly the same; few of us have to live through this hellish experience and the lifelong tag of being a “refugee”.

Grab this book. It comes highly recommended.

On a sidebar, the ongoing corona virus pandemic has rendered the entire human race helpless and exposed. The virus has jumped borders and seas and infected humans of all races and ethnicities. Should we still then, be bothered about these man-made borders?

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 😷