the perfectly imperfect life

as a child growing up i had such a different idea about how my life would turn out to be as an adult. it feels almost fairy-tale like, now that i think about it. i felt i would have my career sorted in my twenties. a stable , “settled” life in my thirties. and here i am, clueless and confused as ever. whatever happened in all these years?? as a pubescent young teenager i knew i was insanely attracted to the male gender and male bodies. however, at that time, this was in the 90s, i didn’t know of the term ‘gay’ even. so i didn’t know what is that i felt , but i forced myself to looking at girls and “trying” to fantasize about them. certainly, it didn’t work ; but i did end up liking the boys even more. in the midst of this sexuality drama , which included lots of carnal interludes and sleazy hook-ups; i did manage to get admission into a medical college.  and a good one at that. i thought i would have all my answers at the end of MBBS course and life would be smooth sailing from then on. as i stepped into my twenties, i met this guy and fell in love ; whilst i was “sort-of” dating a girl at the same time. and then like a reflex, everything just happened. i broke off from the girl by telling her the truth about myself ; slowly and eventually came out to my friends in the college and became quite unapologetically so at that. i felt this to be one of the biggest achievements then, and felt so lighter. as i said, i also fell in love with this guy. this was new for me. and i had a very romanticized version of it in my head on how it would span out. sadly, it was anything but that. there was romance but it came at a price. this is a price which no one is ever prepared for. because all one wants is love and peace and bliss, nobody bothers about anxiety, insecurity and infidelity. that’s what i got. i didn’t know about any of it , until i was faced with it. and i didn’t handle it very well. the tumultuous relationship did stretch for a few years, but it burnt me at the end of it. it burnt my ideas and aspirations about love and security to cinders. it gave me a sense of unsavory feeling about fidelity and loyalty. more importantly , it stopped me from trusting . a huge loss for me. but i couldn’t shake it off. it was almost like my soul was ripped apart of the want for love. through all of this , i did struggle with my entrance exams for my post graduate studies and did get a seat too. i had thought, i had almost done the insurmountable, then came the after effects of break up and the gruelling, punishing years of medical post graduate studies. trust me, you are never prepared for any of these. the emotions, the feeling of bereavement, the utter panic , the anxiety pangs are weapons of soul disruption. however, i am still alive and not writing this from an asylum, is a testament to the resilience i did manage to conjure up. from where if you ask; well, from within. because i had nowhere else to look. i had to look deep within myself , to ask myself to stand up despite the overbearing , overwhelming sense of distraught and disbelief. the sense of survival can come at the most unassuming times. it doesn’t come with a drumroll as in the movies. nor was it an epiphany. it was just about getting up each day and going through it, because i was breathing. and because i was breathing, i felt i should survive. to come to think of it, it feels like a blur. also because there was gallons of alcohol involved. which wiped out quite a lot of my unpleasant memory and hopeless feelings. there were lot many hook-ups too. meaningless and mindless. it did help me  to forget my pain and angst temporarily, but only to haunt me later with double dose of draconian depravity. as i reached my thirties through all of it, still standing, still breathing and haven’t becoming an alcoholic or sex-addict; i thought this is it. now my life will sort itself out. if only…

i battled with the completion of my post graduate studies. they were trying times. i had to wrestle with the mediocrity tag which was sort of looming over my head. i didn’t, i don’t want to be mediocre. that was the only thing i was sure of. mediocre people give up and let them get sucked into the annals of mundaneness. i didn’t want that. not at any cost. so i tried; i fought with my might; to breathe and go through. amidst this , i was also hopelessly falling out of the sense of romance and companionship. none of this i had envisioned for me. never had i thought, that i would have to deal with a bleeding heart and a bruised soul. we are never taught these life lessons. but life gives it to you!

such an imperfectly built life! i still don’t have any answers about my life. my career is somewhat stable currently; however, still far from what i would like it to be. love life is near zilch. but i know i want more. and that’s a good thing. i haven’t given up. i am trying each day to love myself. a little bit more than the previous day. i am trying to be authentic to my emotions, thoughts and personality. it’s a constant struggle. but i am on it. i am also trying to be hopeful. about love. and loss. i am trying to have an open mind to experiences and energies. things that will surprise me. things that might alter my life’s course altogether . great things. maybe not-so-great things. but wonderful, fascinating things. i am hopeful and incredibly grateful for this imperfectly, perfect life. wouldn’t change a thing!

until next time, be kind to yourself. lots of love.

~JUST A GAY BOY.

 

 

 

the responsibilities of the responsible.

i am responsible for my life. the good , the bad and the ugly i have created and hence i experience it. that’s okay. because i am the sole bearer of the consequences. but what happens when people who assume the positions of the responsible ( albeit self proclaimed) and choose to do it in the most self-centered  way possible? is it because their knowledge is limited? is it because they think they are doing a greater good to the others by doing this in the first place? or are they such vain nitwits?

many of the so-called gay activists in India are more or less responsible for how the people and media look at us , look at me. i am trying to change the perception of the hetero-normative society towards me in my most earnest authentic way possible. but then come the rainbow-hued activists every so often ! because these people choose to be loud, gaudy and insanely neon colored  most of the times; others think we are like that all the time!!! no, i don’t go to work in peacock colored clothes. i don’t go to a bar in high heels. at the upfront , let me clarify , i don’t have a problem with anybody’s personal choices ; but i do have a problem when its sort of projected as a collective choice of the community.

at every pride parade all i see is crazily dressed people acting even more crazy on the streets. as a gay guy i cringe at the garrulous and over-the -top depiction of themselves. is this pride? the heterosexuals already think of us as “freaks” . and this freakishly inane behaviour does nothing but re-enforce that. we are in India , not New York or Paris where you can walk in your underwear and feather boa and be damn proud! and the world around you echoes it. here on the other hand, all you invite is stares as if you are some zoo animal and loads of laughs. is that what you were walking the pride for? when we claim equality and stress that we are equals we need to bring that in our depictions . nobody will take anybody seriously if you are sashaying in a boa and heels and gothic make up. you are gonna end up as a piece of amusement or shock-value. if that’s the whole purpose, then kudos, well done!! you got it!

pride is about channeling your inner self. bringing your soul to the brim and exposing the vulnerability but still layering it with that supreme shine of confidence and dignity. do we go dressed to work in costumes or as caricatures? then why don’t we treat the pride also as the same. its our work to show the society that we are just like you are. humans. we have a job, we have a family. we have friends . and we have love and want love. just like any other human on this planet. this will be the true essence of a pride. and there’s always the pride party to bring out your most colorful and ridiculous costume.

we need to take pride in ourselves. in each other. respect each other. not get repulsed by others. and that can happen only if we are responsible towards ourselves and others at large. until next time , love to everyone. be kind to yourself.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.

 

 

 

being human; that’s mainstream.

Halloween’s just gone by.  And the masks and makeup’s or even the “demogorgons” from Stranger things isn’t as scary as the people you deal with on a daily basis or people whom you had identified as “friends” till so far.

Being gay isn’t a walk in the park. more so if you are from a third world country like India. living in Bombay makes no appreciable difference.

we have always been conditioned about the hetero-normativity of our society. and as the minority, we queers have to just accept it. the heterosexuals will thrust their “normal” relationships, their “normal” marriages, their “normal” divorces, their normal hook-ups, their normal making outs and ofcourse, we have to accept it and chide along. how can we dare to not do so? but god forbidden, if we even slightly flaunt our relationships (marriage and divorce , obviously can’t happen in india); or talk about our hook-ups or make out ; the disdain and judgements though might not be spoken aloud , but can be vividly seen and thoroughly palpated.

my friends ; or that’s what i used to think of them until halloween’s this year; kept me in an illusion that they are my friends and my sexual orientation has nothing to do with our dynamics. maybe i was naive . and yes maybe i did ignore their cues on how not okay they were and have been always.

the husbands of my girlfriends were not okay with them coming to a gay halloween bash. well yeah, we gay guys would pounce on any male meat that lurks around us and “suck” their life out; wouldn’t we??!! maybe that’s what these stud-husbands thought. or maybe the gay kissing gets them repulsive. since they are the normatives, don’t you forget (eyeroll).or fucking whatever. whatever be their fucked up issue; it certainly isn’t my concern. it becomes mine when it’s blatantly said so in my face. that’s when i feel appalled and cheated.

we are all human beings. being heterosexual doesn’t make anyone superior. and me being gay; doesn’t make me inferior. and i never have considered myself so and i never will. we all co-inhabit this beautiful planet. we have been blessed with the same capabilities. we also have our  flaws. me sucking another man’s dick is certainly not one of them. me kissing another guy is “my” love . me flaunting my date is “my” pride. and it’s just the same as anybody else’s . its important to be a human being. and strive hard , on a daily basis , to be more humane. love and kindness are mainstream and that doesn’t need any identity or orientation.

i haven’t told my friends about how hurt i have been since then. and expectedly, they seem oblivious to it. maybe i will tell them some day, hopingly be more articulate by then; or maybe i will weed them out; which they deserve for being such supreme dickheads.

anyhoo, after an intense first post today, maybe i shall talk about grindr douche-bags next time! or vent  some more anger. don’t know! until then love to everyone . be kind to yourself.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.