the shiny diaries

i am responsible for my life. the good , the bad and the ugly i have created and hence i experience it. that’s okay. because i am the sole bearer of the consequences. but what happens when people who assume the positions of the responsible ( albeit self proclaimed) and choose to do it in the most self-centered way possible? is it because their knowledge is limited? is it because they think they are doing a greater good to the others by doing this in the first place? or are they such vain nitwits?

many of the so-called gay activists in India are more or less responsible for how the people and media look at us , look at me. i am trying to change the perception of the hetero-normative society towards me in my most earnest authentic way possible. but then come the rainbow-hued activists every so often ! because these people choose to be loud, gaudy and insanely neon colored most of the times; others think we are like that all the time!!! no, i don’t go to work in peacock colored clothes. i don’t go to a bar in high heels. at the upfront , let me clarify , i don’t have a problem with anybody’s personal choices ; but i do have a problem when its sort of projected as a collective choice of the community.

at every pride parade all i see is crazily dressed people acting even more crazy on the streets. as a gay guy i cringe at the garrulous and over-the -top depiction of themselves. is this pride? the heterosexuals already think of us as “freaks” . and this freakishly inane behaviour does nothing but re-enforce that. we are in India , not New York or Paris where you can walk in your underwear and feather boa and be damn proud! and the world around you echoes it. here on the other hand, all you invite is stares as if you are some zoo animal and loads of laughs. is that what you were walking the pride for? when we claim equality and stress that we are equals we need to bring that in our depictions . nobody will take anybody seriously if you are sashaying in a boa and heels and gothic make up. you are gonna end up as a piece of amusement or shock-value. if that’s the whole purpose, then kudos, well done!! you got it!

pride is about channeling your inner self. bringing your soul to the brim and exposing the vulnerability but still layering it with that supreme shine of confidence and dignity. do we go dressed to work in costumes or as caricatures? then why don’t we treat the pride also as the same. its our work to show the society that we are just like you are. humans. we have a job, we have a family. we have friends . and we have love and want love. just like any other human on this planet. this will be the true essence of a pride. and there’s always the pride party to bring out your most colorful and ridiculous costume.

we need to take pride in ourselves. in each other. respect each other. not get repulsed by others. and that can happen only if we are responsible towards ourselves and others at large. until next time , love to everyone. be kind to yourself.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.

Halloween’s just gone by. And the masks and makeup’s or even the “demogorgons” from Stranger things isn’t as scary as the people you deal with on a daily basis or people whom you had identified as “friends” till so far.

Being gay isn’t a walk in the park. more so if you are from a third world country like India. living in Bombay makes no appreciable difference.

we have always been conditioned about the hetero-normativity of our society. and as the minority, we queers have to just accept it. the heterosexuals will thrust their “normal” relationships, their “normal” marriages, their “normal” divorces, their normal hook-ups, their normal making outs and ofcourse, we have to accept it and chide along. how can we dare to not do so? but god forbidden, if we even slightly flaunt our relationships (marriage and divorce , obviously can’t happen in india); or talk about our hook-ups or make out ; the disdain and judgements though might not be spoken aloud , but can be vividly seen and thoroughly palpated.

my friends ; or that’s what i used to think of them until halloween’s this year; kept me in an illusion that they are my friends and my sexual orientation has nothing to do with our dynamics. maybe i was naive . and yes maybe i did ignore their cues on how not okay they were and have been always.

the husbands of my girlfriends were not okay with them coming to a gay halloween bash. well yeah, we gay guys would pounce on any male meat that lurks around us and “suck” their life out; wouldn’t we??!! maybe that’s what these stud-husbands thought. or maybe the gay kissing gets them repulsive. since they are the normatives, don’t you forget (eyeroll).or fucking whatever. whatever be their fucked up issue; it certainly isn’t my concern. it becomes mine when it’s blatantly said so in my face. that’s when i feel appalled and cheated.

we are all human beings. being heterosexual doesn’t make anyone superior. and me being gay; doesn’t make me inferior. and i never have considered myself so and i never will. we all co-inhabit this beautiful planet. we have been blessed with the same capabilities. we also have our flaws. me sucking another man’s dick is certainly not one of them. me kissing another guy is “my” love . me flaunting my date is “my” pride. and it’s just the same as anybody else’s . its important to be a human being. and strive hard , on a daily basis , to be more humane. love and kindness are mainstream and that doesn’t need any identity or orientation.

i haven’t told my friends about how hurt i have been since then. and expectedly, they seem oblivious to it. maybe i will tell them some day, hopingly be more articulate by then; or maybe i will weed them out; which they deserve for being such supreme dickheads.

anyhoo, after an intense first post today, maybe i shall talk about grindr douche-bags next time! or vent some more anger. don’t know! until then love to everyone . be kind to yourself.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.