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I am enough

I hear this often.

I watch it. People speak about it.

I am made to feel it. Feel bad. Miserable.

“You aren’t doing enough “

“Too gay”; “Not gay enough “

“Not authentic”; “too authentic “

“Too sexual”; “too feminine”; “not manly”

“Too slim”; “Not muscular enough”

All the things that I am querulous about self,

Get reinforced.

Because the world’s sense about me doesn’t make sense to me.

I am trying to understand, enough isn’t ever enough!

People will prod; they won’t let you be.

In this world celebrating hetero-normativity;

Being gay is my full time job!

But is that what I want?

To be busy protecting my gaydom?

Not really.

To stand and smile through this cloud of conscious soul damage,

I appreciate my resilience.

Even though I find it stifling,

I am on the path to soothe and heal.

I am in no hurry,

I am letting my truth come to me.

I understand the hurdles in realising my own self-love.

I try to mitigate the pain .

I try not to cheerlead myself everytime.

I appreciate the gift of my faults.

I stand in front of the mirror;

I see myself sans any labels.

Just a being; trying to rise like a phoenix.

There are no ashes;

But a lot of dust ;

From all the self loathing and self doubt,

Which I am brushing off.

I am seeing my life play out as a movie;

I am trying to see,

I am the hero of my own life.

It does feel surreal.

Despite the surround sound of negativity and hopelessness,

The whispers to self seem to be audible.

The picture isn’t perfect;

But the story is exciting.

The image does get blurry, but remains bright.

There are no subtitles,

Just a title that says,

I am enough.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.

Naked

Stripping my clothes;

I lie naked.

For my man of the moment.

Countless days and nights.

I have been naked.

For countless men.

As the men feast on my body;

I feel desired.

I tease them with my nudity.

I provoke.

I titillate.

I like them salivating.

It gives me a high.

I know i am using my body.

Am i being perverse to myself?

Lust compels me.

I give in. Too easily.

My heart tells me;

not everyone should have this kind of access.

But i dismiss that.

Everyone should be able to enjoy.

But do i enjoy?

Or am i forever pretending?

Am i blaming lust for my lack of self worth?

The thoughts are blurry.

Just as the bodies blur in the sweaty haze.

The stranger the person;

The more confident is my nakedness.

Baring bodies has just gotten way too mundane.

And when someone coaxes me,

To bare my soul;

To bare my story, my secrets;

I button up.

Body to body; i am naked.

Mind to mind,

I shudder.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.