I hear this often.
I watch it. People speak about it.
I am made to feel it. Feel bad. Miserable.
“You aren’t doing enough “
“Too gay”; “Not gay enough “
“Not authentic”; “too authentic “
“Too sexual”; “too feminine”; “not manly”
“Too slim”; “Not muscular enough”
All the things that I am querulous about self,
Because the world’s sense about me doesn’t make sense to me.
I am trying to understand, enough isn’t ever enough!
People will prod; they won’t let you be.
In this world celebrating hetero-normativity;
Being gay is my full time job!
But is that what I want?
To be busy protecting my gaydom?
To stand and smile through this cloud of conscious soul damage,
I appreciate my resilience.
Even though I find it stifling,
I am on the path to soothe and heal.
I am in no hurry,
I am letting my truth come to me.
I understand the hurdles in realising my own self-love.
I try to mitigate the pain .
I try not to cheerlead myself everytime.
I appreciate the gift of my faults.
I stand in front of the mirror;
I see myself sans any labels.
Just a being; trying to rise like a phoenix.
There are no ashes;
But a lot of dust ;
From all the self loathing and self doubt,
Which I am brushing off.
I am seeing my life play out as a movie;
I am trying to see,
I am the hero of my own life.
It does feel surreal.
Despite the surround sound of negativity and hopelessness,
The whispers to self seem to be audible.
The picture isn’t perfect;
But the story is exciting.
The image does get blurry, but remains bright.
There are no subtitles,
Just a title that says,
I am enough.
~ JUST A GAY BOY.