i had such a wonderful, wonderful start to my new year. new years is always goa for me. it’s now become a tradition. music, beaches, sex , alcohol, dance…no better way to ring in the new year i believe. this year too it was all of the above, plus it was peace. not that it happened out of the blue, but i conjured it. i made it happen for me, i feel. my ex landed up in goa and though there isn’t any hostility between us since the un-coupling and we remain friendly and cordial; i have had a nagging sense of grief lurking in my subconscious regarding my single-dom since the separation seven years ago. i remember the previous years, whenever he informed me that he was in goa too, whilst i was there; i used to be filled with rage. yes, that’s the word. unknown crazy rage, directed at a lot of things and of course at him; though i knew there’s no emotion left in me for him to bring that rage for him. it was sort of blinding rage. purposeless and potentially scarring for me. so this time as well, he informed me and came to goa. and for the first time, as he told me; i didn’t feel a thing. no rage, no anger, no madness. we met up at the nye gay bash. i had a friend with me. at the end of the party, around 5 am; as i trooped out of the bar, fairly drunk and “high”; and was waiting at the side of the road with my friend, wondering how to get a cab or transport back to the hotel; i saw him rushing towards me, he offered to drop me and my friend back to our hotel. and he dropped us. now, that was an epiphanous moment. before that, let me tell you; my ex has always been quite a helpful and courteous gentleman . so what he did that night, wasn’t surprising to say the least. i knew it, at the back of my mind, he would come to drop me. i just knew it. despite so many years having passed between us, i had that assurance. and that’s what it is!! OMG, the assurance! i never knew what he had meant till so far and what was his purpose in my life. and now after so many years , he still fills my heart with that unspoken assurance. i have always wondered, about love . how will i find love again? how will my next relationship be? will it be be filled with love and fluff? now i know, my heart isn’t just looking for the very over-rated “love”; but it’s assurance. this feeling of being taken care of. yes, i don’t want to take care of myself all the time. i want to let go at times, and i want that special someone to help me let go without batting an eyelid. and that will be love at its very best. for me.
as i hugged him, at the front of my hotel; i told him the same. and thanked him for making me realize something so poignant; so effortlessly. that has been my most magical beginning to the new year. as i stood there , i could feel all my difficult emotions leaving me. just like that. i felt my heart filling with warmth. and tranquility. with a feeling of ‘everything’s alright now’. it was as if i had found a soothing balm to apply on my bruised, battered heart after all!
2018 is going to be fabulous. in so many years, i am finally and completely open to finding my love. love of my life. this is going to be that year. i can somehow feel it. the yearnings of my heart feel more real. i no longer feel exhausted and scared at the thought of boyfriend, relationship, love. i want it. and as i want it, i can feel how it tingles my heart and fills it with mush. these feelings are new for me and i am so happy i feel them now.
this has all been magical, none-the-less. as i roll into this year with open heart , open to amazing possibilities ; i can’t wait for my love and the magic to unfold.
until next time; i am wishing and hoping the same for all of you out there. it’s gonna be such a fantastic year for all of us. and remember, be kind to yourself.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
~ JUST A GAY BOY.
the shiny diaries 