well, i’m in a relationship. and i’m in love with him.
he’s engaged to a girl.
wait. is this true? i can’t myself believe it at times. everything about this scenario is unbelievable to me. at the start of the year, i had hoped in all positivity and gusto, that this would be my year of finding love. and lo behold, here i am; having found love and in a relationship. but, i never saw this one coming. the fact that, i would carry on a relationship with a guy despite his engagement to a girl. what? why, am i doing this?
this doesn’t seem like me. its such an antithesis to who i really am. but now i don’t even know who i really am! apart from my medical degree, the one thing i had always prided on were my morals. not that i am a moral incarnate, but i trusted myself to have the ability to choose the right thing; that which is morally correct. and this is still me, doing THIS; it seems so far fetched and so distant in every possible sense. but still its true, its happening. i am making it happen. so whatever happened to ME? the moral me? have i died? have i gone in hibernation? have i also become like all those people whose morals and ethics are solely dependent on their situation and convenience? those people are assholes. am i an asshole? maybe i am.
i did try to break up with him. one time. the every next day, i went crawling back to him. shameful is what i should feel, but i don’t. my life was so barren, up until he came along and planted this sapling of love. i was parched for love. so now, i am trying to bloom and sprout without realizing if my roots are in place or not. how will this sapling ever get rooted? its still a barren space. for it to grow and nurture, love isn’t the only thing it needs. it also needs security and support and the right amount of sunshine. can i see any of that? well no! then, why am i still doing this?
i see no sunshine currently. i feel i am in this deep dark hole of self loathing and disgust. i feel defeated. even before my moral self could ask me anything, i have turned my back and scooted off. but i am still in this. this relationship. which i feel is like a balm , on the scars of my previous relationship. its so crazy though, that this relationship is going to inflict upon me some brand new scars which currently i have no idea how will they appear and how long will they take to heal.
i feel powerless. because i have all the insight, but still i am choosing to not go through with it. fucking powerless. and maybe that’s where i want to be right now. but why would i be wanting that?
my bestie from chennai is constantly telling me to be kind to myself. truth be told i am unable to do that. i cant. the only way for it to happen would be to end this relationship. but i don’t think i can do this right now. oh, it’s so fucked up.
my eyes are tearing up. my heart is clenched. my whole life seems like a fucking lie , right now.
i see no light.
~ JUST A GAY BOY.
One thought on “flawed. defeated. powerless.”
We tend to repeat unfaced hurts of our past so we can heal them. This is a part of u that you need to love and heal unconditionally … or else history is bound to keep repeating itself.
Morals are cultural stories we tell ourselves, in an attempt to have shame police us into doing “right”
It’s a primitive method of discipline …. and very harsh.
I hope u will find it in ur heart to forgive urself and love all parts of u – even the shockingly immoral part – till all of u is healed.
Love and hugs