Shame and anger

Hannah gadsby Nanette. Its on netflix.

If you havn’t watched it yet, do it right now, and read this later!

Thank you, Hannah. If i had to paraphrase my gay life emotionally, two predominant emotions would be shame and anger. If not for you (thank you edel for telling me about the show in the first place) , i would have been forever wondering and hence supressing the emotions i really, really feel most of the time.

Since my first “coming out”, till now, somehow its always been muddled in some sort of shame. We gays (and i mean the entire lgbtq community) have to keep on “coming out”. It just doesn’t stop. And everytime, its the same story of how, when, what. Why, i mean why, do we have to do this? Me being gay is not a story. Its a truth, a fact. I don’t know how to make it into a story. I am gay, because i was born gay. I wasn’t raped or abused. So even after i tell you i am gay, do not ask inane, illogical questions. I dont ask straights’ how and when you realised you were heterosexuals. So dont ask me or any queer individual this. Dont ask us anything intimate or personal just to feign interest. Your concern and interest wont be justified through your persistant questioning. Dont ask me who all know about me being gay. Whether my parents know. If i want, i shall myself tell you about it. Dont put up a sorrowful or pitiful look. I am equal to you and i don’t need your acceptance or sympathy. Dont ask if i have been accepted. What the fuck is acceptance here? If i am being more feminine in my attire or behaviour ( this feels so weird, as i am typing this, but for lack of any better phrasing, i am sticking with it), don’t tell me not to, or get antsy or tell me its inappropriate. What is this hoopla around masculinity and feminity anyways? Dont tell me to be “safe” when i go for sex dates or gay parties. Am sorry, but gays are not some sex maniacs and we aren’t solely responsible for diseases.

For ages, i have struggled with these issues. I still am. Because the heterosexual individuals have constantly reinforced their ideas n phobias even if it were in the most sublest ways. And that has stayed with me. I still cant talk freely about my dates. I don’t talk my expectations and apprehensions as being a single gay man. I want to be married and have a husband. But i just cant voice it. I feel shame, i feel like i dont deserve it.

I know i need to deal with my above mentioned issues. And its fucking difficult. But i have started the process. Just by acknowledging it in the first place; knowing that i was ashamed about myself. It tears me apart to know this and how unkind i have been to myself. So i am sitting with myself, internalising myself, my thoughts, not judging and just being gentle. One day at a time.

In the meantime, the straights’ please step up. Dont give us acceptance and sympathy. If you cant do it, be honest and leave. Dont fake it. Give love, happiness and belief if you can. Thats what each of us is looking for and ties all of us humans together.

Special mention regarding all the shrill and hateful debates on news channels regarding homosexuality. Please stop. Its disgusting. You call a bunch of homophobes and few queer individuals, and as the homophobes shame us by calling perverts, pedophiles and unnatural, you expect us to have a stoic look and be calm? Fucking no! Its atrocious. More than the homophobes, i am appalled and disgusted by the channels and news anchors for catering to such low level journalism for garnering some eyeballs. You are as homophobic as the certified homophobes present. If the aim was to spread cheer and goodwill, call people who would do that. There’s no need to know the homophobic side. This is a no-brainer. Homophobia is wrong and don’t patronise them by giving them primetime space to yell their shitty thoughts. And to all the queer people who do go for such debates, kudos firstly and secondly, kindly refrain from it, if you know there are going to be louder homephobes present. Trust me, it doesn’t serve any purpose.

And lastly, coming back to the gays. Stop discriminating amongst us. Gays are not superior and transgenders are not inferior. Tops haven’t been sent from heaven and bottoms aren’t some lowlife sex slaves. You may have your sexual choices but you have no right to publicly discriminate any of us. There’s no room for derogatory terms, which are quite often seen on dating apps like grindr, such as, ” dont like pansy and girly” or ” want only goodlooking because i am goodlooking”. Fuck yourself. You are free to say no, but be polite. There’s a huge difference between declining and discriminating.

Remember it all starts with us. With you. With me. Lets be kind to each other. Even gindr has gone kindr.

I know i have digressed a lot. But fuck it. I just had to say what i had to say.

Ps. : edel, you have been excluded from the above straight bashing.

Ps again : incase anyone was wondering and as a continuum to my earlier post, yes i have broken up. There’s no room in my life for toxicity.

Until next time, be very kind to yourself.


Author: theshinydiaries

Being authentic; one day at a time!

2 thoughts on “Shame and anger”

  1. Thank you for excluding me from the bashing 🤗😘
    Shame does not limit itself to sexuality and orientation. I’m straight and have had to wade through layers and layers of internalized shame
    Problem is, in hiding from and deflecting our own shame, we find victims to bully and hurt
    This is the human malaise
    Getting out of this spiral of hating self through hating others, will involve divorcing all anger – especially justified anger – that’s directed outwards and using that energy to forgive our own abandonment of ourselves and falling in love with the person in the mirror
    Love you Abhi

    Liked by 1 person

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