Shame and anger

Hannah gadsby Nanette. Its on netflix.

If you havn’t watched it yet, do it right now, and read this later!

Thank you, Hannah. If i had to paraphrase my gay life emotionally, two predominant emotions would be shame and anger. If not for you (thank you edel for telling me about the show in the first place) , i would have been forever wondering and hence supressing the emotions i really, really feel most of the time.

Since my first “coming out”, till now, somehow its always been muddled in some sort of shame. We gays (and i mean the entire lgbtq community) have to keep on “coming out”. It just doesn’t stop. And everytime, its the same story of how, when, what. Why, i mean why, do we have to do this? Me being gay is not a story. Its a truth, a fact. I don’t know how to make it into a story. I am gay, because i was born gay. I wasn’t raped or abused. So even after i tell you i am gay, do not ask inane, illogical questions. I dont ask straights’ how and when you realised you were heterosexuals. So dont ask me or any queer individual this. Dont ask us anything intimate or personal just to feign interest. Your concern and interest wont be justified through your persistant questioning. Dont ask me who all know about me being gay. Whether my parents know. If i want, i shall myself tell you about it. Dont put up a sorrowful or pitiful look. I am equal to you and i don’t need your acceptance or sympathy. Dont ask if i have been accepted. What the fuck is acceptance here? If i am being more feminine in my attire or behaviour ( this feels so weird, as i am typing this, but for lack of any better phrasing, i am sticking with it), don’t tell me not to, or get antsy or tell me its inappropriate. What is this hoopla around masculinity and feminity anyways? Dont tell me to be “safe” when i go for sex dates or gay parties. Am sorry, but gays are not some sex maniacs and we aren’t solely responsible for diseases.

For ages, i have struggled with these issues. I still am. Because the heterosexual individuals have constantly reinforced their ideas n phobias even if it were in the most sublest ways. And that has stayed with me. I still cant talk freely about my dates. I don’t talk my expectations and apprehensions as being a single gay man. I want to be married and have a husband. But i just cant voice it. I feel shame, i feel like i dont deserve it.

I know i need to deal with my above mentioned issues. And its fucking difficult. But i have started the process. Just by acknowledging it in the first place; knowing that i was ashamed about myself. It tears me apart to know this and how unkind i have been to myself. So i am sitting with myself, internalising myself, my thoughts, not judging and just being gentle. One day at a time.

In the meantime, the straights’ please step up. Dont give us acceptance and sympathy. If you cant do it, be honest and leave. Dont fake it. Give love, happiness and belief if you can. Thats what each of us is looking for and ties all of us humans together.

Special mention regarding all the shrill and hateful debates on news channels regarding homosexuality. Please stop. Its disgusting. You call a bunch of homophobes and few queer individuals, and as the homophobes shame us by calling perverts, pedophiles and unnatural, you expect us to have a stoic look and be calm? Fucking no! Its atrocious. More than the homophobes, i am appalled and disgusted by the channels and news anchors for catering to such low level journalism for garnering some eyeballs. You are as homophobic as the certified homophobes present. If the aim was to spread cheer and goodwill, call people who would do that. There’s no need to know the homophobic side. This is a no-brainer. Homophobia is wrong and don’t patronise them by giving them primetime space to yell their shitty thoughts. And to all the queer people who do go for such debates, kudos firstly and secondly, kindly refrain from it, if you know there are going to be louder homephobes present. Trust me, it doesn’t serve any purpose.

And lastly, coming back to the gays. Stop discriminating amongst us. Gays are not superior and transgenders are not inferior. Tops haven’t been sent from heaven and bottoms aren’t some lowlife sex slaves. You may have your sexual choices but you have no right to publicly discriminate any of us. There’s no room for derogatory terms, which are quite often seen on dating apps like grindr, such as, ” dont like pansy and girly” or ” want only goodlooking because i am goodlooking”. Fuck yourself. You are free to say no, but be polite. There’s a huge difference between declining and discriminating.

Remember it all starts with us. With you. With me. Lets be kind to each other. Even gindr has gone kindr.

I know i have digressed a lot. But fuck it. I just had to say what i had to say.

Ps. : edel, you have been excluded from the above straight bashing.

Ps again : incase anyone was wondering and as a continuum to my earlier post, yes i have broken up. There’s no room in my life for toxicity.

Until next time, be very kind to yourself.


flawed. defeated. powerless.

adult alone backlit dark
Photo by Pixabay on

well, i’m in a relationship. and  i’m in love with him.

he’s engaged to a girl.

wait. is this true? i can’t myself believe it at times. everything about this scenario is unbelievable to me. at the start of the year, i had hoped in all positivity and gusto, that this would be my year of finding love. and lo behold, here i am; having found love and in a relationship. but, i never saw this one coming. the fact that, i would carry on a relationship with a guy despite his engagement to a girl. what? why, am i doing this?

this doesn’t seem like me. its such an antithesis to who i really am. but now i don’t even know who i really am! apart from my medical degree, the one thing i had always prided on were my morals. not that i am a moral incarnate, but i trusted myself to have the ability to choose the right thing; that which is morally correct. and this is still me, doing THIS; it seems so far fetched and so distant in every possible sense. but still its true, its happening. i am making it happen. so whatever happened to ME? the moral me? have i died? have i gone in hibernation? have i also become like all those people whose morals and ethics are solely dependent on their situation and convenience? those people are assholes. am i an asshole? maybe i am.

i did try to break up with him. one time. the every next day, i went crawling back to him. shameful is what i should feel, but i don’t. my life was so barren, up until he came along and planted this sapling of love. i was parched for love. so now,  i am trying to bloom and sprout without realizing if my roots are in place or not. how will this sapling ever get rooted? its still a barren space. for it to grow and nurture, love isn’t the only thing it needs. it also needs security and support and the right amount of sunshine. can i see any of that? well no! then, why am i still doing this?

i see no sunshine currently. i feel i  am in this deep dark hole of self loathing and disgust. i feel defeated. even before my moral self could ask me anything, i have turned my back and scooted off. but i am still in this. this relationship. which i feel is like a balm , on the scars of my previous relationship. its so crazy though, that this relationship is going to inflict upon me some brand new scars which currently i have no idea how will they appear and how long will they take to heal.

i feel powerless. because i have all the insight, but still i am choosing to not go through with it. fucking powerless. and maybe that’s where i want to be right now. but why would i be wanting that?

my bestie from chennai is constantly telling me to be kind to myself. truth be told i am unable to do that. i cant. the only way for it to happen would be to end this relationship. but i don’t think i can do this right now. oh, it’s so fucked up.

my eyes are tearing up. my heart is clenched. my whole life seems like a fucking lie , right now.

i see no light.







the year of love and magic.

i had such a wonderful, wonderful start to my new year. new years  is always goa for me. it’s now become a tradition. music, beaches, sex , alcohol, dance…no better way to ring in the new year i believe. this year too it was all of the above, plus it was peace. not that it happened out of the blue, but i conjured it. i made it happen for me, i feel. my ex landed up in goa and though there isn’t any hostility between us since the un-coupling and we remain friendly and cordial; i have had a nagging sense of grief lurking in my subconscious regarding my single-dom since the separation seven years ago. i remember the previous years, whenever he informed me that he was in goa too, whilst i was there; i used to be filled with rage. yes, that’s the word. unknown crazy rage, directed at a lot of things and of course at him; though i knew there’s no emotion left in me for him to bring that rage for him. it was sort of blinding rage. purposeless and potentially scarring for me. so this time as well, he informed me and came to goa. and for the first time, as he told me; i didn’t feel a thing. no rage, no anger, no madness. we met up at the nye gay bash. i had a friend with me. at the end of the party, around 5 am; as i trooped out of the bar, fairly drunk and “high”; and was waiting at the side of the road with my friend, wondering how to get a cab or transport back to the hotel; i saw him rushing towards me, he offered to drop me and my friend back to our hotel. and he dropped us. now, that was an epiphanous moment. before that, let me tell you; my ex has always been quite a helpful and courteous gentleman . so what he did that night, wasn’t surprising to say the least. i knew it, at the back of my mind, he would come to drop me. i just knew it. despite so many years having passed between us, i had that assurance. and that’s what it is!! OMG, the assurance! i never knew what he had meant till so far and what was his purpose in my life. and now after so many years , he still fills my heart with that unspoken assurance. i have always wondered, about love . how will i find love again? how will my next relationship be? will it be be filled with love and fluff? now i know, my heart isn’t just looking for the very over-rated “love”; but it’s assurance. this feeling of being taken care of. yes, i don’t want to take care of myself all the time. i want to let go at times, and i want that special someone to help me let go without batting an eyelid. and that will be love at its very best. for me.

as i hugged him, at the front of my hotel; i told him the same. and thanked him for making me realize something so poignant; so effortlessly. that has been my most magical beginning to the new year. as i stood there , i could feel all my difficult emotions leaving me. just like that. i felt my heart filling with warmth. and tranquility. with a feeling of ‘everything’s alright now’. it was as if i had found a soothing balm to apply on my bruised, battered heart after all!

2018 is going to be fabulous. in so many years, i am finally and completely open to finding my love. love of my life. this is going to be that year. i can somehow feel it. the yearnings of my heart feel more real. i no longer feel exhausted and scared at the thought of boyfriend, relationship, love. i want it. and as i want it, i can feel how it tingles my heart and fills it with mush. these feelings are new for me and i am so happy i feel them now.

this has all been magical, none-the-less. as i roll into this year with open heart , open to amazing possibilities ; i can’t wait for my love and the magic to unfold.

until next time; i am wishing and hoping the same for all of you out there. it’s gonna be such a fantastic year for all of us. and remember, be kind to yourself.



the perfectly imperfect life

as a child growing up i had such a different idea about how my life would turn out to be as an adult. it feels almost fairy-tale like, now that i think about it. i felt i would have my career sorted in my twenties. a stable , “settled” life in my thirties. and here i am, clueless and confused as ever. whatever happened in all these years?? as a pubescent young teenager i knew i was insanely attracted to the male gender and male bodies. however, at that time, this was in the 90s, i didn’t know of the term ‘gay’ even. so i didn’t know what is that i felt , but i forced myself to looking at girls and “trying” to fantasize about them. certainly, it didn’t work ; but i did end up liking the boys even more. in the midst of this sexuality drama , which included lots of carnal interludes and sleazy hook-ups; i did manage to get admission into a medical college.  and a good one at that. i thought i would have all my answers at the end of MBBS course and life would be smooth sailing from then on. as i stepped into my twenties, i met this guy and fell in love ; whilst i was “sort-of” dating a girl at the same time. and then like a reflex, everything just happened. i broke off from the girl by telling her the truth about myself ; slowly and eventually came out to my friends in the college and became quite unapologetically so at that. i felt this to be one of the biggest achievements then, and felt so lighter. as i said, i also fell in love with this guy. this was new for me. and i had a very romanticized version of it in my head on how it would span out. sadly, it was anything but that. there was romance but it came at a price. this is a price which no one is ever prepared for. because all one wants is love and peace and bliss, nobody bothers about anxiety, insecurity and infidelity. that’s what i got. i didn’t know about any of it , until i was faced with it. and i didn’t handle it very well. the tumultuous relationship did stretch for a few years, but it burnt me at the end of it. it burnt my ideas and aspirations about love and security to cinders. it gave me a sense of unsavory feeling about fidelity and loyalty. more importantly , it stopped me from trusting . a huge loss for me. but i couldn’t shake it off. it was almost like my soul was ripped apart of the want for love. through all of this , i did struggle with my entrance exams for my post graduate studies and did get a seat too. i had thought, i had almost done the insurmountable, then came the after effects of break up and the gruelling, punishing years of medical post graduate studies. trust me, you are never prepared for any of these. the emotions, the feeling of bereavement, the utter panic , the anxiety pangs are weapons of soul disruption. however, i am still alive and not writing this from an asylum, is a testament to the resilience i did manage to conjure up. from where if you ask; well, from within. because i had nowhere else to look. i had to look deep within myself , to ask myself to stand up despite the overbearing , overwhelming sense of distraught and disbelief. the sense of survival can come at the most unassuming times. it doesn’t come with a drumroll as in the movies. nor was it an epiphany. it was just about getting up each day and going through it, because i was breathing. and because i was breathing, i felt i should survive. to come to think of it, it feels like a blur. also because there was gallons of alcohol involved. which wiped out quite a lot of my unpleasant memory and hopeless feelings. there were lot many hook-ups too. meaningless and mindless. it did help me  to forget my pain and angst temporarily, but only to haunt me later with double dose of draconian depravity. as i reached my thirties through all of it, still standing, still breathing and haven’t becoming an alcoholic or sex-addict; i thought this is it. now my life will sort itself out. if only…

i battled with the completion of my post graduate studies. they were trying times. i had to wrestle with the mediocrity tag which was sort of looming over my head. i didn’t, i don’t want to be mediocre. that was the only thing i was sure of. mediocre people give up and let them get sucked into the annals of mundaneness. i didn’t want that. not at any cost. so i tried; i fought with my might; to breathe and go through. amidst this , i was also hopelessly falling out of the sense of romance and companionship. none of this i had envisioned for me. never had i thought, that i would have to deal with a bleeding heart and a bruised soul. we are never taught these life lessons. but life gives it to you!

such an imperfectly built life! i still don’t have any answers about my life. my career is somewhat stable currently; however, still far from what i would like it to be. love life is near zilch. but i know i want more. and that’s a good thing. i haven’t given up. i am trying each day to love myself. a little bit more than the previous day. i am trying to be authentic to my emotions, thoughts and personality. it’s a constant struggle. but i am on it. i am also trying to be hopeful. about love. and loss. i am trying to have an open mind to experiences and energies. things that will surprise me. things that might alter my life’s course altogether . great things. maybe not-so-great things. but wonderful, fascinating things. i am hopeful and incredibly grateful for this imperfectly, perfect life. wouldn’t change a thing!

until next time, be kind to yourself. lots of love.





the responsibilities of the responsible.

i am responsible for my life. the good , the bad and the ugly i have created and hence i experience it. that’s okay. because i am the sole bearer of the consequences. but what happens when people who assume the positions of the responsible ( albeit self proclaimed) and choose to do it in the most self-centered  way possible? is it because their knowledge is limited? is it because they think they are doing a greater good to the others by doing this in the first place? or are they such vain nitwits?

many of the so-called gay activists in India are more or less responsible for how the people and media look at us , look at me. i am trying to change the perception of the hetero-normative society towards me in my most earnest authentic way possible. but then come the rainbow-hued activists every so often ! because these people choose to be loud, gaudy and insanely neon colored  most of the times; others think we are like that all the time!!! no, i don’t go to work in peacock colored clothes. i don’t go to a bar in high heels. at the upfront , let me clarify , i don’t have a problem with anybody’s personal choices ; but i do have a problem when its sort of projected as a collective choice of the community.

at every pride parade all i see is crazily dressed people acting even more crazy on the streets. as a gay guy i cringe at the garrulous and over-the -top depiction of themselves. is this pride? the heterosexuals already think of us as “freaks” . and this freakishly inane behaviour does nothing but re-enforce that. we are in India , not New York or Paris where you can walk in your underwear and feather boa and be damn proud! and the world around you echoes it. here on the other hand, all you invite is stares as if you are some zoo animal and loads of laughs. is that what you were walking the pride for? when we claim equality and stress that we are equals we need to bring that in our depictions . nobody will take anybody seriously if you are sashaying in a boa and heels and gothic make up. you are gonna end up as a piece of amusement or shock-value. if that’s the whole purpose, then kudos, well done!! you got it!

pride is about channeling your inner self. bringing your soul to the brim and exposing the vulnerability but still layering it with that supreme shine of confidence and dignity. do we go dressed to work in costumes or as caricatures? then why don’t we treat the pride also as the same. its our work to show the society that we are just like you are. humans. we have a job, we have a family. we have friends . and we have love and want love. just like any other human on this planet. this will be the true essence of a pride. and there’s always the pride party to bring out your most colorful and ridiculous costume.

we need to take pride in ourselves. in each other. respect each other. not get repulsed by others. and that can happen only if we are responsible towards ourselves and others at large. until next time , love to everyone. be kind to yourself.





being human; that’s mainstream.

Halloween’s just gone by.  And the masks and makeup’s or even the “demogorgons” from Stranger things isn’t as scary as the people you deal with on a daily basis or people whom you had identified as “friends” till so far.

Being gay isn’t a walk in the park. more so if you are from a third world country like India. living in Bombay makes no appreciable difference.

we have always been conditioned about the hetero-normativity of our society. and as the minority, we queers have to just accept it. the heterosexuals will thrust their “normal” relationships, their “normal” marriages, their “normal” divorces, their normal hook-ups, their normal making outs and ofcourse, we have to accept it and chide along. how can we dare to not do so? but god forbidden, if we even slightly flaunt our relationships (marriage and divorce , obviously can’t happen in india); or talk about our hook-ups or make out ; the disdain and judgements though might not be spoken aloud , but can be vividly seen and thoroughly palpated.

my friends ; or that’s what i used to think of them until halloween’s this year; kept me in an illusion that they are my friends and my sexual orientation has nothing to do with our dynamics. maybe i was naive . and yes maybe i did ignore their cues on how not okay they were and have been always.

the husbands of my girlfriends were not okay with them coming to a gay halloween bash. well yeah, we gay guys would pounce on any male meat that lurks around us and “suck” their life out; wouldn’t we??!! maybe that’s what these stud-husbands thought. or maybe the gay kissing gets them repulsive. since they are the normatives, don’t you forget (eyeroll).or fucking whatever. whatever be their fucked up issue; it certainly isn’t my concern. it becomes mine when it’s blatantly said so in my face. that’s when i feel appalled and cheated.

we are all human beings. being heterosexual doesn’t make anyone superior. and me being gay; doesn’t make me inferior. and i never have considered myself so and i never will. we all co-inhabit this beautiful planet. we have been blessed with the same capabilities. we also have our  flaws. me sucking another man’s dick is certainly not one of them. me kissing another guy is “my” love . me flaunting my date is “my” pride. and it’s just the same as anybody else’s . its important to be a human being. and strive hard , on a daily basis , to be more humane. love and kindness are mainstream and that doesn’t need any identity or orientation.

i haven’t told my friends about how hurt i have been since then. and expectedly, they seem oblivious to it. maybe i will tell them some day, hopingly be more articulate by then; or maybe i will weed them out; which they deserve for being such supreme dickheads.

anyhoo, after an intense first post today, maybe i shall talk about grindr douche-bags next time! or vent  some more anger. don’t know! until then love to everyone . be kind to yourself.