Author: theshinydiaries

Being authentic; one day at a time!

Nine perfect strangers

*** SPOILER ALERT ***

Another disappointing read; which comes as a surprise since it’s the same author who wrote the brilliant and engaging Big Little Lies (talk about pressure!). But let’s talk about this book. True to the title, nine strangers gather at this posh health retreat, which is being run by this impeccably intelligent woman, Masha, in a true dominatrix fashion. Each of the characters are dealing with various mental and physical issues and have come to this programme with the hope of finding their soul and hence heal their mind and body. However Masha, instead of using the usual wellness therapies, tries psychedelic therapy on these guests involving LSD, magic mushrooms and Ecstasy. What follows is an unstructured chaos with each of these guests trying to sort out their issues and others’ , through hallucinations essentially.

The issues of divorce, bereavement, body shaming, lack of self worth, midlife crisis, cosmetic surgery, catfishing , etc are dealt with in a very superficial manner. None of the characters feel truly messed up or damaged. It still feels as if, even their genuine problems have a privileged first world charm to it. After a laborious 450+ pages, the climax is sappy and predictable. Yawn!

Side bar: I have become intrigued about psychedelic therapy. Anyone know anyone?? 🤫

~ JUST A GAY BOY . 🤯

Loving my body

Loving my body has always been a challenge for me. The gay world doesn’t make the process easy. Our world, our apps, our media is filled with perfectly sculpted, chiseled bodies. Literally there’s no place for anyone who isn’t an Adonis! We aren’t very kind either, to guys who aren’t looking like greek gods. So growing up I dreamt of a body such as this and whilst doing so hated what and who my body was. I went through the entire rigmarole of gaining muscle. Body shamed me constantly. It was only during my trip to Greece last year, that I had a spiritual awakening. Through my tears, I formed a mind, body and soul connection. Since then I have been more at peace accepting my body for the way it is. I have come to love and respect my slender frame. Yes I do go to the gym; but my reason for going has changed. It’s for my fitness. I am no longer seeking “bulging biceps” and unattainable “six packs” body. I have a vision for my 2020 fitness goal and my fitspiration is me!

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 💪🏼

A woman is no man

Truth can be terrifying and disturbing. That’s why most of us bury our truths in the most subconscious parts of our brains and never ever acknowledge it’s blatant existence. But Etaf Rum does the unimaginable. She portrays the harsh, inhuman lives of Palestinian Arab women living in New York. Through the stories of the mother daughter duo, Isra and Deya, the principal protagonists, she describes a woman’s almost insignificant, inconsequential, secondary existence in the man’s world. The Arab women are supposed to have no voice, live their life pleasing the men in their lives and be baby factories literally. Domestic abuse and marital rape are so normal that the absence of it would be perplexing.

As I read the book, I wondered how different are the lives of Indian women? How are we as a nation different from Palestine in treating our women?

I hang my head in shame.

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 😞

Drive your plow over the bones of the dead

Unclassifiable.

Polish writer, Man Booker Prize 2018 winner and 2018 Noble Prize in Literature winner, Olga Tokarczuk’s book is no ordinary read. Just like the title, the book is complex. Mind you, I have used the adjective ‘complex’ here, in admiration.

The plot is essentially a murder mystery. But unlike other murder mysteries which take the form of a thriller; Olga gives it a fable like spin. The story meanders at its pace. The protagonist is Janina Duszejko; an old woman in this small, almost uninhabitable polish village bordering the Czech Republic, who has taken upon herself to solve the murders and firmly believes that it’s the Animals who have committed the crime.

As impossible and imbecile as it may sound, Janina embarks on this quest and relentlessly drives into us and the people in her village, how much of it is actually not improbable.

Helping her make a foolproof case is Astrology. It forms an eminent narrative in the proceedings. The constellations, planets, Ephemerides; all are explained in great detail to help understand the astrological extrapolations onto our human life.

The book also makes a strong case for vegetarianism. All through the book, killing of animals for food or pleasure has been condoned. Olga makes us believe that in no way should we consider ourselves superior to animals.

The book is very spiritual so to speak. The subtext is very philosophical. The murder mysteries almost become a euphemism for life and death. Olga spends time constructing this philosophical universe, explaining its depth, rhythms and surprises. William blake’s quotes make this narrative poetic literally. (The title is borrowed too 😀).

I found the setting of this book to an extent personal. The polish village is set near the banks of the Oder river . Also there’s mention of Szczecin, which is a small town in Poland. I had visited Szczecin in 2018 and had had beer and pizza at a restaurant overlooking the Oder river. Reading these names in the book, made me feel jubilant.

The book is a translation. Brilliant work by Antonia Lloyd-Jones who is an award winner herself.

The harsh polish winter is quite a central character in this book. So much so that I started imagining everything in hues of grey and hoar. I also feel Frances McDormand would be the perfect casting for Janina if ever a movie were to be made in english. (There’s already a polish film adaptation of the book).

“Everything will pass. The wise Man knows this from the start, and has no regrets.”

You need to take time out to read this. A book by a Noble Prize winner shouldn’t come easy.

~ JUST A GAY BOY . 🤩

The carpet weaver – book review

How do you describe a story of a gay refugee fleeing from the civil war in Afghanistan? How do you describe a story showing Islam being wronged by its followers? How do you describe a story which talks about yearning and tender love set against a tough, unforgiving environment?

The carpet weaver wasn’t an easy read for me. But thank goodness I read it.

My innate Islamophobia was being confronted as I read the book. I realised that this is a religion that has been wronged and that which continues till date. Its followers use Islam as a tool to shield their own ignorance, phobias and criminality. All through the book you see characters doing horrendous inhuman atrocities in the name of Islam. But the beauty of Nemat Sadat’s writing is such that, that without preaching, he’s able to present Islam in its true glory. The connotations are so delicate, so rich which had me challenge the origins and necessity of my islamophobia.

I think I am on the path to changing my beliefs.

This book also depicts the depravity of being a refugee. Basically nobody cares if you are a refugee. You don’t have an identity. The world is too busy to care about your non existence! Nemat gives a sneak peek into the perils of such a life and that was extremely unsettling.

Finally the love story of Kanishka and Maihan. The innocence of their candid romance, the thrill and beauty of their sensuality though peppered with moral conflicts and bullying has been reflective of my own growing up years to an extent.

Afghanistan has never looked so appealing and beautiful. Thank you Nemat for outlining it’s culture and traditions in the most honourable manner possible.

The bombings, the destructions, the war have reduced the country to a rubble. It saddens me. I do feel the urge to travel to Afghanistan someday since reading the book. But I am talking from a place of supreme privilege. It’s discombobulating. Is it unauthentic too?

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 🧐

JVN ‘Over the top’

“And no matter how down you get, you can always make a gorgeous recovery.”

And what a recovery Jonathan makes!

Who would have thought that the life of this gorg queen would be so dark?

Well such is the truth of Jvn and he takes us on an honest, soul baring, soul crushing, soul uplifting journey. He’s mentioned all the events, however bleak, that have led him to be the person that he’s today.

Whether its the childhood trauma, his drug dependency , sex addiction, the tumultuous graph of his relationships; he has addressed it . Of course, there’s a silver lining; it’s his life post Queer Eye.

What struck me the most and that which I am going to adopt to make my own too, is the language which Jonathan uses for himself. This is a language which is tender, kind, filled with love. So what if he went on to do the darkest of deeds despite having the right sense to not do them; he’s still compassionate towards himself whilst narrating that part of his life. He’s always his queen!

I was like wow! When did I talk about myself like that? All the times that I have narrated my trysts with bullying ( till today I haven’t spoken much about the bullying I faced in school/college for my “effeminate“ mannerisms), my fallout of being in a narcissistic relationship, me being violent with my ex, me having come very close to being alcohol adjacent and (almost) sex addicted, me having tried to commit suicide, me having to deal with umpteen attempts in trying to secure my postgraduate seat, me having to deal with repercussions of my dad’s sudden death, my forever feeling of anxiety; I haven’t held myself close in a hug. I haven’t been kind. My language to self was more of self-harm than self-love.

I have risen above all that failure and rejection. I am now at a place wherein I have the wisdom to look back at my life and not be resentful. But I still haven’t forgiven myself for all those innumerable times wherein I chose others instead of me.

Jonathan thank you for your language. Should I call it the “Queen’s language “🤓🥰 !? I now know how I should address myself. I now know there’s a path to forgive oneself and it’s absolutely possible to do it despite whatever epic shit you have done. I now know the necessity to pat the back of my inner child; the need to give my adolescent self a long overdue hug ( “hey girl, you did your best then ; thank you for being so strong then”. I am gonna say this till my adolescent self hugs me back).

So my redemption is everyday. My recovery is everyday. My failure is also everyday. But i am loving myself now, everyday.

Jonathan says, “Being normal is being completely unique, because nobody’s the same.”

Jonathan, you are the grooming expert in the QE series. But your book, is/will groom the lives of so many of us; especially our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters. You are truly “zhuzh”ing us in the most unique way possible.

You ask in your book; would you still love me if you knew everything about me? Well, that’s a no-brainer! Infact I love you more and respect you more than ever.

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 😊

Soul ‘tribers’ ahoy!

For years I believed that the one person who would get me and understand me for who I am, would be my romantic partner; a.k.a. my boyfriend or husband. And I never once doubted this belief thanks to the over enthusiastic portrayal of romance and love being akin to ‘soulmate’ , in all our popular media.

Honestly, I always found it funny. Felt stifled.

My ex-romantic partners never ever came close to knowing me ; forget ‘getting’ me or being my soulmate.

I did feel dejected. Also blamed myself. I felt alone. An oddball whom the world would never understand.

And then I met , my now bestie, Edel. For the first time I had found somebody who was willing to listen to me and know me. Now, through our years of friendship, I know for sure she gets me. I don’t have to pretend or put on a facade. I can be truthful about all my flaws, insecurities, quirks, sins, secrets and I know it’s a safe , non judgemental space. (Sorry Edel for this pressure 😌). I also know if I am being stupid, I will be made aware of it without any sugarcoating (but with a lot of eyerolls) ! I can say for sure she’s my soulmate.

Through Edel, very recently I met Jharna. We hardly interacted with each other and never had a chance to know each other, until this trip to Pondicherry !

The three of us took off to pondy and spent four days in utter bliss and warmth of our souls. As I spoke with Jharna, and even though I still don’t know her well enough, I did feel a soul connection with her. I could recognise the same calm feeling I had, when I was with jharna; so similar and identical to the one I have when I am with Edel.

So here are the lovelies who get me. Edel and Jharna. What we share are truths, laughter, tears, respect, joy . We are mindful of each other’s boundaries but ever so expanding and growing due to the resonance between our souls.

They are my soul tribe! My soul family.

We all need to find our tribe. People who would get us without judgements and explanations; who would respect us for our boundaries.

There’s beauty in our soul tribes. The happiness is unbridled.

Thank you my soul ‘tribers’. I love you, respect you and cherish you.

♥️

( If you want to see more of us, please go to my YouTube channel: Abhishek Subhash . 😃

Link for the same : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEkRL1RKr5I&feature=share )

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 😻

The Funk

I have always disconnected with friends once they have stopped making sense to me. You can say I have ghosted them most of the times. I haven’t felt sorry for doing so. I couldn’t take their bad behaviours anymore. I did what I did to protect my psyche; my energy.

Currently I am and have been in sort of a “funk”. It isn’t something I am experiencing for the first time. These periods come and go. More often than I can even acknowledge. Its also when my anxiety is at an all time high.

Previously I have always tried to deflect the “funk”. Frantically try to engage in various activities. Not only would it turn out to be miserable, but also , most importantly, would always make me feel exasperated and completely invalid.

This time too I did things as if its a conditioned reflex. But I stopped. Because I was aware of the known futility and hence respected it. I always know the origins of my funk and anxiety. I know what’s triggering me this time too. It’s my feeling of worthlessness. I am no longer exciting for my own self.

How does one get over this? In the past; I did things just so that I can be exciting to myself again. Whether it was partying, hooking up, trying new activities etc. All this and more so that I can tolerate myself again. Constantly putting on a show! My show , my charade always went on! Audience was Anxiety.

So many shows and still my audience is never satisfied and keeps wanting more. So this time I stopped the show abruptly. I no longer have new tricks up my sleeve. And instead I am on the stage staring. Doing nothing. Just being. Blah.

I have always abandoned my anxiety. Though its been my most faithful audience. I tried being it’s friend. But probably I was doing it on my terms. So here I am; on this stage; in a funk fugue ; and wanting to and trying to engage with my anxiety.

“I have given you the front row seat this time. You are important. Let’s talk.

Happy friendship day, Anxiety. ”

~ JUST A GAY BOY . 🤪

The New Language

Learning a new language is never easy. You have to start from the alphabets; know the common words; form simple sentences; learn the grammar; and slowly and steadily build vocabulary. It always helps if you converse (however broken and terrible you may sound during the initial days). It just builds your confidence in the language you are learning.

I had a distraught attempt at learning Spanish couple of years ago. I never went beyond the first level and you can say I have completely forgotten everything I had learnt.

I am learning a new language again. Its the Language to Self. Till about recently, my language to self was steeped in condescension. I was the first person to put myself down. Since I always lacked self worth, the words that I chose for myself were forever the synonyms of negativity. Poverty in affirmative adjectives was very telling if someone were to hear me talk about myself. Since I was coming from a place of scarcity, insecurity and indignation; not only did I attract similar surroundings and situations, but also people who spoke verbose in the language of Scorn. Despite my achievements and me able to perceive them even; I had become absolutely focused in celebrating my defeats, highlighting my faults and amplifying my mistakes. Rightfully so, my brain had identified by now, that, ‘this’ is MY language. Hence it became quite colloquial and congenial in it.

As I began the work on myself roughly about two years ago; I started realising and acknowledging my worth. But that wasn’t enough at all. I realised its so important to understand what “Language to Self” I was telling myself. All the understanding about self-worth and self-love still seemed heavy and indifferent. I couldn’t recognise it. My brain couldn’t comprehend it. How could it? Since I was still operating on an outdated “language to self”.

I think it’s just been couple of months that I have started a brand new “Language to Self”. And oh my god, it’s so difficult! To erase what has been like a rote learning; is quite challenging. But what has compelled me to stay on till I get it right; is the realisation that I was and had become my own worst nightmare. I didn’t need external sources to make me feel wretched; my (then!) “Language to Self” had been enough.

The new “Language to Self “ is true, gentle and kind. Its confident and clear. Its also Self-parenting. Only this time round, the words are appreciative and the algorithm is full of affection and love. My brain sure is bamboozled. As a reflex, it keeps putting up antonyms to the above. But now since it also knows the existence of another new language; it’s changing the words and hence the meaning of my life.

As i said before, whilst learning a new language, it’s important to converse. I am doing that. I do struggle with the vocabulary but I know I shall soon have a cracking ‘vocab’ !

Brain, you can wait.

The new “Language to Self” is a hug for my heart.

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 😍