theshinydiaries

I am enough

I hear this often.

I watch it. People speak about it.

I am made to feel it. Feel bad. Miserable.

“You aren’t doing enough “

“Too gay”; “Not gay enough “

“Not authentic”; “too authentic “

“Too sexual”; “too feminine”; “not manly”

“Too slim”; “Not muscular enough”

All the things that I am querulous about self,

Get reinforced.

Because the world’s sense about me doesn’t make sense to me.

I am trying to understand, enough isn’t ever enough!

People will prod; they won’t let you be.

In this world celebrating hetero-normativity;

Being gay is my full time job!

But is that what I want?

To be busy protecting my gaydom?

Not really.

To stand and smile through this cloud of conscious soul damage,

I appreciate my resilience.

Even though I find it stifling,

I am on the path to soothe and heal.

I am in no hurry,

I am letting my truth come to me.

I understand the hurdles in realising my own self-love.

I try to mitigate the pain .

I try not to cheerlead myself everytime.

I appreciate the gift of my faults.

I stand in front of the mirror;

I see myself sans any labels.

Just a being; trying to rise like a phoenix.

There are no ashes;

But a lot of dust ;

From all the self loathing and self doubt,

Which I am brushing off.

I am seeing my life play out as a movie;

I am trying to see,

I am the hero of my own life.

It does feel surreal.

Despite the surround sound of negativity and hopelessness,

The whispers to self seem to be audible.

The picture isn’t perfect;

But the story is exciting.

The image does get blurry, but remains bright.

There are no subtitles,

Just a title that says,

I am enough.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.

Naked

Stripping my clothes;

I lie naked.

For my man of the moment.

Countless days and nights.

I have been naked.

For countless men.

As the men feast on my body;

I feel desired.

I tease them with my nudity.

I provoke.

I titillate.

I like them salivating.

It gives me a high.

I know i am using my body.

Am i being perverse to myself?

Lust compels me.

I give in. Too easily.

My heart tells me;

not everyone should have this kind of access.

But i dismiss that.

Everyone should be able to enjoy.

But do i enjoy?

Or am i forever pretending?

Am i blaming lust for my lack of self worth?

The thoughts are blurry.

Just as the bodies blur in the sweaty haze.

The stranger the person;

The more confident is my nakedness.

Baring bodies has just gotten way too mundane.

And when someone coaxes me,

To bare my soul;

To bare my story, my secrets;

I button up.

Body to body; i am naked.

Mind to mind,

I shudder.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.

Dream

I want to dream about my reality.

It’s not pretty.

It’s not glossy.

Is it even honest?

My dreams are larger than my life.

They aren’t rooted in insecurity.

But i am insecure.

I have failed.

There have been more tears down my cheeks;

Than laughs in my dreams.

Then why are they there?

Why does my mind conjure this illusion?

Is my joy an illusion?

Will this joy manifest only in my dreams?

My reality is fraught with guilt and shame.

My actions are probably sinful.

I do it anyway and try to forget.

And then i dream about fame and peace?

My soul is trying to heal my mind.

By showing me dreams.

They are not about my truth,

They are not real.

But i dream anyways.

One day it might make sense.

Till then,

I will try finding my way,

Through this maze of confused acceptance.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.

Gay & Shiny 2.0

This is me.

Beautiful and flawed.

Caring and conflicted.

I was hiding.

Had my wings clipped.

I did it myself.

I was scared.

To be ME.

Never had realised ,

That the universe had already defined ME.

I just had to own it.

Easy peasy?

Anything but that.

It’s difficult to own your truth and happiness.

I had to unlock my gay-dom.

There lied the key to a realm of love and liberation.

It’s one step at a time.

Just having declared years ago, wasn’t enough;

Now i discern.

It’s also about doing all that i love .

Bringing my cravings to fruition.

Breaking my own barriers.

Being gay.

My heels make me happy.

I own myself just a little more, everytime I twirl in them.

My clothes make me fabulous.

And i love myself more.

This journey was never meant to be simple and subtle.

But why did i stop having fun?

As i dab on my gloss,

I wonder,

If its too gay, too shiny?

Hell, yeah!!

Wasn’t it always supposed to be so?

Well, now I know!

~ JUST A GAY BOY.

Thank you, ME

Its been long overdue.

The obligation towards others was genetic.

I wasn’t trained to admire me.

But now that I’m looking ,

I am liking.

I was never my own focus.

Now, i focus on others through me.

I have started listening to you.

Oh ME, don’t i love what you have to say?

Your journey has been fascinating.

From the darkest pits of despair, you have crawled out.

Your bruises are sexy.

You know to love and are so fierce.

And you are here, shining , despite the heartaches.

You are precious.

I like how you are evolving.

You are militant and magnanimous!

Your sins are exemplary.

Your pathos is real.

The melancholy of your survival is romantic.

Oh ME, you are still so enigmatic!

You are unapologetic,

But now there’s no subtext.

Maybe you have started travelling lighter?!

The road ahead looks exciting.

And i promise i will admire you,

Through delight and depravity.

Thank you for having survived.

Thank you for not being a martyr.

Oh ME, thank you !

~ JUST A GAY BOY.

The guy in heels

I stood tall. I felt taller.

My heart quivering, my knees shaking;

I walked the walk.

There were eyes.

But i could only admire myself.

What was so spectacular anyways?

Was it the courage to do what i had always wanted to?

Or was it the new found freedom i had stepped into?

The anxiety of the unknown was somehow more comforting.

After all i could hear my soul singing.

I had listened.

For the first time.

The pain not withstanding, I danced.

The fear of falling was becoming smaller.

This was a trip.

More hedonistic than a rave.

I am guessing it’s going to be addictive.

Do i warn myself ?

About the eyes?

I could. I would.

But my eyes are seeing something beautiful.

And i am liking what i am seeing,

This guy in heels.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.

Love of lies

I was parched.

He was offering.

I was hungry. I was coming from a state of poverty.

He seemed generous. And helpful.

It seemed heady.

Maybe i was dreaming.

But it did seem like one.

He said he loved me.

Can anyone really love me, i wondered.

But he was persistent.

He insisted he loved me.

I believed him.

Maybe i could be loved after all.

I gushed. He fawned.

I loved it. I loved him.

But wait, isn’t this too good to be true?

My knight in shining armour!

He was here , trying to rescue me,the damsel in distress.

Seemed very textbook.

My heart took the plunge.

But had a sinking feeling somewhere inside.

We kissed.

It was brand new.

My body. My emotions. My heart.

But i couldn’t comprehend

Can love be really unconditional?

The universe detected my insecurities.

And soon the unravelling began.

Of my love.

He was not mine. He was of others too.

But he loved me he said.

I couldn’t believe him. Again.

My heart ached. The bruises seemed new again. And gaping.

I had to let him go.

But he held me. Said he cant. I am too precious.

Was i really?

One lie lead to another.

All he did was covering up.

As i lay naked next to him, i felt exposed and ashamed.

And even when his name was not his, i had no one to call to ; in love and in anger.

My world crumbled.

But it was still love.

I was , my heart was, true in his love of lies.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.

Shame and anger

Hannah gadsby Nanette. Its on netflix.

If you havn’t watched it yet, do it right now, and read this later!

Thank you, Hannah. If i had to paraphrase my gay life emotionally, two predominant emotions would be shame and anger. If not for you (thank you edel for telling me about the show in the first place) , i would have been forever wondering and hence supressing the emotions i really, really feel most of the time.

Since my first “coming out”, till now, somehow its always been muddled in some sort of shame. We gays (and i mean the entire lgbtq community) have to keep on “coming out”. It just doesn’t stop. And everytime, its the same story of how, when, what. Why, i mean why, do we have to do this? Me being gay is not a story. Its a truth, a fact. I don’t know how to make it into a story. I am gay, because i was born gay. I wasn’t raped or abused. So even after i tell you i am gay, do not ask inane, illogical questions. I dont ask straights’ how and when you realised you were heterosexuals. So dont ask me or any queer individual this. Dont ask us anything intimate or personal just to feign interest. Your concern and interest wont be justified through your persistant questioning. Dont ask me who all know about me being gay. Whether my parents know. If i want, i shall myself tell you about it. Dont put up a sorrowful or pitiful look. I am equal to you and i don’t need your acceptance or sympathy. Dont ask if i have been accepted. What the fuck is acceptance here? If i am being more feminine in my attire or behaviour ( this feels so weird, as i am typing this, but for lack of any better phrasing, i am sticking with it), don’t tell me not to, or get antsy or tell me its inappropriate. What is this hoopla around masculinity and feminity anyways? Dont tell me to be “safe” when i go for sex dates or gay parties. Am sorry, but gays are not some sex maniacs and we aren’t solely responsible for diseases.

For ages, i have struggled with these issues. I still am. Because the heterosexual individuals have constantly reinforced their ideas n phobias even if it were in the most sublest ways. And that has stayed with me. I still cant talk freely about my dates. I don’t talk my expectations and apprehensions as being a single gay man. I want to be married and have a husband. But i just cant voice it. I feel shame, i feel like i dont deserve it.

I know i need to deal with my above mentioned issues. And its fucking difficult. But i have started the process. Just by acknowledging it in the first place; knowing that i was ashamed about myself. It tears me apart to know this and how unkind i have been to myself. So i am sitting with myself, internalising myself, my thoughts, not judging and just being gentle. One day at a time.

In the meantime, the straights’ please step up. Dont give us acceptance and sympathy. If you cant do it, be honest and leave. Dont fake it. Give love, happiness and belief if you can. Thats what each of us is looking for and ties all of us humans together.

Special mention regarding all the shrill and hateful debates on news channels regarding homosexuality. Please stop. Its disgusting. You call a bunch of homophobes and few queer individuals, and as the homophobes shame us by calling perverts, pedophiles and unnatural, you expect us to have a stoic look and be calm? Fucking no! Its atrocious. More than the homophobes, i am appalled and disgusted by the channels and news anchors for catering to such low level journalism for garnering some eyeballs. You are as homophobic as the certified homophobes present. If the aim was to spread cheer and goodwill, call people who would do that. There’s no need to know the homophobic side. This is a no-brainer. Homophobia is wrong and don’t patronise them by giving them primetime space to yell their shitty thoughts. And to all the queer people who do go for such debates, kudos firstly and secondly, kindly refrain from it, if you know there are going to be louder homephobes present. Trust me, it doesn’t serve any purpose.

And lastly, coming back to the gays. Stop discriminating amongst us. Gays are not superior and transgenders are not inferior. Tops haven’t been sent from heaven and bottoms aren’t some lowlife sex slaves. You may have your sexual choices but you have no right to publicly discriminate any of us. There’s no room for derogatory terms, which are quite often seen on dating apps like grindr, such as, ” dont like pansy and girly” or ” want only goodlooking because i am goodlooking”. Fuck yourself. You are free to say no, but be polite. There’s a huge difference between declining and discriminating.

Remember it all starts with us. With you. With me. Lets be kind to each other. Even gindr has gone kindr.

I know i have digressed a lot. But fuck it. I just had to say what i had to say.

Ps. : edel, you have been excluded from the above straight bashing.

Ps again : incase anyone was wondering and as a continuum to my earlier post, yes i have broken up. There’s no room in my life for toxicity.

Until next time, be very kind to yourself.

– JUST A GAY BOY.

flawed. defeated. powerless.

adult alone backlit dark — Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

well, i’m in a relationship. and i’m in love with him.

he’s engaged to a girl.

wait. is this true? i can’t myself believe it at times. everything about this scenario is unbelievable to me. at the start of the year, i had hoped in all positivity and gusto, that this would be my year of finding love. and lo behold, here i am; having found love and in a relationship. but, i never saw this one coming. the fact that, i would carry on a relationship with a guy despite his engagement to a girl. what? why, am i doing this?

this doesn’t seem like me. its such an antithesis to who i really am. but now i don’t even know who i really am! apart from my medical degree, the one thing i had always prided on were my morals. not that i am a moral incarnate, but i trusted myself to have the ability to choose the right thing; that which is morally correct. and this is still me, doing THIS; it seems so far fetched and so distant in every possible sense. but still its true, its happening. i am making it happen. so whatever happened to ME? the moral me? have i died? have i gone in hibernation? have i also become like all those people whose morals and ethics are solely dependent on their situation and convenience? those people are assholes. am i an asshole? maybe i am.

i did try to break up with him. one time. the every next day, i went crawling back to him. shameful is what i should feel, but i don’t. my life was so barren, up until he came along and planted this sapling of love. i was parched for love. so now, i am trying to bloom and sprout without realizing if my roots are in place or not. how will this sapling ever get rooted? its still a barren space. for it to grow and nurture, love isn’t the only thing it needs. it also needs security and support and the right amount of sunshine. can i see any of that? well no! then, why am i still doing this?

i see no sunshine currently. i feel i am in this deep dark hole of self loathing and disgust. i feel defeated. even before my moral self could ask me anything, i have turned my back and scooted off. but i am still in this. this relationship. which i feel is like a balm , on the scars of my previous relationship. its so crazy though, that this relationship is going to inflict upon me some brand new scars which currently i have no idea how will they appear and how long will they take to heal.

i feel powerless. because i have all the insight, but still i am choosing to not go through with it. fucking powerless. and maybe that’s where i want to be right now. but why would i be wanting that?

my bestie from chennai is constantly telling me to be kind to myself. truth be told i am unable to do that. i cant. the only way for it to happen would be to end this relationship. but i don’t think i can do this right now. oh, it’s so fucked up.

my eyes are tearing up. my heart is clenched. my whole life seems like a fucking lie , right now.

i see no light.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.

the year of love and magic.

i had such a wonderful, wonderful start to my new year. new years is always goa for me. it’s now become a tradition. music, beaches, sex , alcohol, dance…no better way to ring in the new year i believe. this year too it was all of the above, plus it was peace. not that it happened out of the blue, but i conjured it. i made it happen for me, i feel. my ex landed up in goa and though there isn’t any hostility between us since the un-coupling and we remain friendly and cordial; i have had a nagging sense of grief lurking in my subconscious regarding my single-dom since the separation seven years ago. i remember the previous years, whenever he informed me that he was in goa too, whilst i was there; i used to be filled with rage. yes, that’s the word. unknown crazy rage, directed at a lot of things and of course at him; though i knew there’s no emotion left in me for him to bring that rage for him. it was sort of blinding rage. purposeless and potentially scarring for me. so this time as well, he informed me and came to goa. and for the first time, as he told me; i didn’t feel a thing. no rage, no anger, no madness. we met up at the nye gay bash. i had a friend with me. at the end of the party, around 5 am; as i trooped out of the bar, fairly drunk and “high”; and was waiting at the side of the road with my friend, wondering how to get a cab or transport back to the hotel; i saw him rushing towards me, he offered to drop me and my friend back to our hotel. and he dropped us. now, that was an epiphanous moment. before that, let me tell you; my ex has always been quite a helpful and courteous gentleman . so what he did that night, wasn’t surprising to say the least. i knew it, at the back of my mind, he would come to drop me. i just knew it. despite so many years having passed between us, i had that assurance. and that’s what it is!! OMG, the assurance! i never knew what he had meant till so far and what was his purpose in my life. and now after so many years , he still fills my heart with that unspoken assurance. i have always wondered, about love . how will i find love again? how will my next relationship be? will it be be filled with love and fluff? now i know, my heart isn’t just looking for the very over-rated “love”; but it’s assurance. this feeling of being taken care of. yes, i don’t want to take care of myself all the time. i want to let go at times, and i want that special someone to help me let go without batting an eyelid. and that will be love at its very best. for me.

as i hugged him, at the front of my hotel; i told him the same. and thanked him for making me realize something so poignant; so effortlessly. that has been my most magical beginning to the new year. as i stood there , i could feel all my difficult emotions leaving me. just like that. i felt my heart filling with warmth. and tranquility. with a feeling of ‘everything’s alright now’. it was as if i had found a soothing balm to apply on my bruised, battered heart after all!

2018 is going to be fabulous. in so many years, i am finally and completely open to finding my love. love of my life. this is going to be that year. i can somehow feel it. the yearnings of my heart feel more real. i no longer feel exhausted and scared at the thought of boyfriend, relationship, love. i want it. and as i want it, i can feel how it tingles my heart and fills it with mush. these feelings are new for me and i am so happy i feel them now.

this has all been magical, none-the-less. as i roll into this year with open heart , open to amazing possibilities ; i can’t wait for my love and the magic to unfold.

until next time; i am wishing and hoping the same for all of you out there. it’s gonna be such a fantastic year for all of us. and remember, be kind to yourself.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.