The carpet weaver – book review

How do you describe a story of a gay refugee fleeing from the civil war in Afghanistan? How do you describe a story showing Islam being wronged by its followers? How do you describe a story which talks about yearning and tender love set against a tough, unforgiving environment?

The carpet weaver wasn’t an easy read for me. But thank goodness I read it.

My innate Islamophobia was being confronted as I read the book. I realised that this is a religion that has been wronged and that which continues till date. Its followers use Islam as a tool to shield their own ignorance, phobias and criminality. All through the book you see characters doing horrendous inhuman atrocities in the name of Islam. But the beauty of Nemat Sadat’s writing is such that, that without preaching, he’s able to present Islam in its true glory. The connotations are so delicate, so rich which had me challenge the origins and necessity of my islamophobia.

I think I am on the path to changing my beliefs.

This book also depicts the depravity of being a refugee. Basically nobody cares if you are a refugee. You don’t have an identity. The world is too busy to care about your non existence! Nemat gives a sneak peek into the perils of such a life and that was extremely unsettling.

Finally the love story of Kanishka and Maihan. The innocence of their candid romance, the thrill and beauty of their sensuality though peppered with moral conflicts and bullying has been reflective of my own growing up years to an extent.

Afghanistan has never looked so appealing and beautiful. Thank you Nemat for outlining it’s culture and traditions in the most honourable manner possible.

The bombings, the destructions, the war have reduced the country to a rubble. It saddens me. I do feel the urge to travel to Afghanistan someday since reading the book. But I am talking from a place of supreme privilege. It’s discombobulating. Is it unauthentic too?

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 🧐

JVN ‘Over the top’

“And no matter how down you get, you can always make a gorgeous recovery.”

And what a recovery Jonathan makes!

Who would have thought that the life of this gorg queen would be so dark?

Well such is the truth of Jvn and he takes us on an honest, soul baring, soul crushing, soul uplifting journey. He’s mentioned all the events, however bleak, that have led him to be the person that he’s today.

Whether its the childhood trauma, his drug dependency , sex addiction, the tumultuous graph of his relationships; he has addressed it . Of course, there’s a silver lining; it’s his life post Queer Eye.

What struck me the most and that which I am going to adopt to make my own too, is the language which Jonathan uses for himself. This is a language which is tender, kind, filled with love. So what if he went on to do the darkest of deeds despite having the right sense to not do them; he’s still compassionate towards himself whilst narrating that part of his life. He’s always his queen!

I was like wow! When did I talk about myself like that? All the times that I have narrated my trysts with bullying ( till today I haven’t spoken much about the bullying I faced in school/college for my “effeminate“ mannerisms), my fallout of being in a narcissistic relationship, me being violent with my ex, me having come very close to being alcohol adjacent and (almost) sex addicted, me having tried to commit suicide, me having to deal with umpteen attempts in trying to secure my postgraduate seat, me having to deal with repercussions of my dad’s sudden death, my forever feeling of anxiety; I haven’t held myself close in a hug. I haven’t been kind. My language to self was more of self-harm than self-love.

I have risen above all that failure and rejection. I am now at a place wherein I have the wisdom to look back at my life and not be resentful. But I still haven’t forgiven myself for all those innumerable times wherein I chose others instead of me.

Jonathan thank you for your language. Should I call it the “Queen’s language “🤓🥰 !? I now know how I should address myself. I now know there’s a path to forgive oneself and it’s absolutely possible to do it despite whatever epic shit you have done. I now know the necessity to pat the back of my inner child; the need to give my adolescent self a long overdue hug ( “hey girl, you did your best then ; thank you for being so strong then”. I am gonna say this till my adolescent self hugs me back).

So my redemption is everyday. My recovery is everyday. My failure is also everyday. But i am loving myself now, everyday.

Jonathan says, “Being normal is being completely unique, because nobody’s the same.”

Jonathan, you are the grooming expert in the QE series. But your book, is/will groom the lives of so many of us; especially our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters. You are truly “zhuzh”ing us in the most unique way possible.

You ask in your book; would you still love me if you knew everything about me? Well, that’s a no-brainer! Infact I love you more and respect you more than ever.

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 😊

Soul ‘tribers’ ahoy!

For years I believed that the one person who would get me and understand me for who I am, would be my romantic partner; a.k.a. my boyfriend or husband. And I never once doubted this belief thanks to the over enthusiastic portrayal of romance and love being akin to ‘soulmate’ , in all our popular media.

Honestly, I always found it funny. Felt stifled.

My ex-romantic partners never ever came close to knowing me ; forget ‘getting’ me or being my soulmate.

I did feel dejected. Also blamed myself. I felt alone. An oddball whom the world would never understand.

And then I met , my now bestie, Edel. For the first time I had found somebody who was willing to listen to me and know me. Now, through our years of friendship, I know for sure she gets me. I don’t have to pretend or put on a facade. I can be truthful about all my flaws, insecurities, quirks, sins, secrets and I know it’s a safe , non judgemental space. (Sorry Edel for this pressure 😌). I also know if I am being stupid, I will be made aware of it without any sugarcoating (but with a lot of eyerolls) ! I can say for sure she’s my soulmate.

Through Edel, very recently I met Jharna. We hardly interacted with each other and never had a chance to know each other, until this trip to Pondicherry !

The three of us took off to pondy and spent four days in utter bliss and warmth of our souls. As I spoke with Jharna, and even though I still don’t know her well enough, I did feel a soul connection with her. I could recognise the same calm feeling I had, when I was with jharna; so similar and identical to the one I have when I am with Edel.

So here are the lovelies who get me. Edel and Jharna. What we share are truths, laughter, tears, respect, joy . We are mindful of each other’s boundaries but ever so expanding and growing due to the resonance between our souls.

They are my soul tribe! My soul family.

We all need to find our tribe. People who would get us without judgements and explanations; who would respect us for our boundaries.

There’s beauty in our soul tribes. The happiness is unbridled.

Thank you my soul ‘tribers’. I love you, respect you and cherish you.

♥️

( If you want to see more of us, please go to my YouTube channel: Abhishek Subhash . 😃

Link for the same : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEkRL1RKr5I&feature=share )

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 😻

The Funk

I have always disconnected with friends once they have stopped making sense to me. You can say I have ghosted them most of the times. I haven’t felt sorry for doing so. I couldn’t take their bad behaviours anymore. I did what I did to protect my psyche; my energy.

Currently I am and have been in sort of a “funk”. It isn’t something I am experiencing for the first time. These periods come and go. More often than I can even acknowledge. Its also when my anxiety is at an all time high.

Previously I have always tried to deflect the “funk”. Frantically try to engage in various activities. Not only would it turn out to be miserable, but also , most importantly, would always make me feel exasperated and completely invalid.

This time too I did things as if its a conditioned reflex. But I stopped. Because I was aware of the known futility and hence respected it. I always know the origins of my funk and anxiety. I know what’s triggering me this time too. It’s my feeling of worthlessness. I am no longer exciting for my own self.

How does one get over this? In the past; I did things just so that I can be exciting to myself again. Whether it was partying, hooking up, trying new activities etc. All this and more so that I can tolerate myself again. Constantly putting on a show! My show , my charade always went on! Audience was Anxiety.

So many shows and still my audience is never satisfied and keeps wanting more. So this time I stopped the show abruptly. I no longer have new tricks up my sleeve. And instead I am on the stage staring. Doing nothing. Just being. Blah.

I have always abandoned my anxiety. Though its been my most faithful audience. I tried being it’s friend. But probably I was doing it on my terms. So here I am; on this stage; in a funk fugue ; and wanting to and trying to engage with my anxiety.

“I have given you the front row seat this time. You are important. Let’s talk.

Happy friendship day, Anxiety. ”

~ JUST A GAY BOY . 🤪

The New Language

Learning a new language is never easy. You have to start from the alphabets; know the common words; form simple sentences; learn the grammar; and slowly and steadily build vocabulary. It always helps if you converse (however broken and terrible you may sound during the initial days). It just builds your confidence in the language you are learning.

I had a distraught attempt at learning Spanish couple of years ago. I never went beyond the first level and you can say I have completely forgotten everything I had learnt.

I am learning a new language again. Its the Language to Self. Till about recently, my language to self was steeped in condescension. I was the first person to put myself down. Since I always lacked self worth, the words that I chose for myself were forever the synonyms of negativity. Poverty in affirmative adjectives was very telling if someone were to hear me talk about myself. Since I was coming from a place of scarcity, insecurity and indignation; not only did I attract similar surroundings and situations, but also people who spoke verbose in the language of Scorn. Despite my achievements and me able to perceive them even; I had become absolutely focused in celebrating my defeats, highlighting my faults and amplifying my mistakes. Rightfully so, my brain had identified by now, that, ‘this’ is MY language. Hence it became quite colloquial and congenial in it.

As I began the work on myself roughly about two years ago; I started realising and acknowledging my worth. But that wasn’t enough at all. I realised its so important to understand what “Language to Self” I was telling myself. All the understanding about self-worth and self-love still seemed heavy and indifferent. I couldn’t recognise it. My brain couldn’t comprehend it. How could it? Since I was still operating on an outdated “language to self”.

I think it’s just been couple of months that I have started a brand new “Language to Self”. And oh my god, it’s so difficult! To erase what has been like a rote learning; is quite challenging. But what has compelled me to stay on till I get it right; is the realisation that I was and had become my own worst nightmare. I didn’t need external sources to make me feel wretched; my (then!) “Language to Self” had been enough.

The new “Language to Self “ is true, gentle and kind. Its confident and clear. Its also Self-parenting. Only this time round, the words are appreciative and the algorithm is full of affection and love. My brain sure is bamboozled. As a reflex, it keeps putting up antonyms to the above. But now since it also knows the existence of another new language; it’s changing the words and hence the meaning of my life.

As i said before, whilst learning a new language, it’s important to converse. I am doing that. I do struggle with the vocabulary but I know I shall soon have a cracking ‘vocab’ !

Brain, you can wait.

The new “Language to Self” is a hug for my heart.

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 😍

Happiness

I am creating my own happiness; living it and also enjoying it. It’s not that happiness is an alien concept to me. But i have always been too scared to experience it, in totality. I used to look for sadness even in the realm of happiness. I felt, I connected more with sadness. Hence I always spoke more about my lows and “being down in the dumps” than my highs. I loved to celebrate it, you can say. I felt sadness and my lows helped me earn my place in this world. So technically, I had myself aborted the happy ME !

As I embarked upon my travel this time , I felt so happy. As the days unfolded, I kept feeling happier. “I have to stop this feeling”, I felt. Because it felt unreal. And then, sort of like an unconditional reflex I started to look for some faults and lows and mistakes. I remember calling Edel and saying the above. Truth be told I was loving the ‘happy ‘ feeling. So even though I felt the need to lurk for sadness; my defiant happiness took over. And for the first time i didn’t fight it. I basked in all its glory. I felt shinier. My soul needed this. I realised, I owe myself happiness as much as I owe sadness and every other feeling. So I let happiness take over. I felt it in every cell of mine. It didn’t and doesn’t feel alien. It’s incredible how i am reconnecting with all my long lost friends. Happiness has been one of them!

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 🤑

Post-Bombay

I no longer identify myself with Bombay or me as a Bombay-ite. This city has changed. I have changed. And so has my love for it. My love for Bombay remains as a memory. I treasure it. It inspires me to love some other city just as much.

I remember how much Bombay resonated with my existence during my teenage years and through my twenties. I dreamt of living, working and driving in the city then. And it’s so wonderful to have see my dreams turned into reality now. But I also feel a nagging sensation. Is this enough? Is this what I truly want?

Nonetheless I have decided to celebrate this reality. So many of us dream of things and situations but when they do occur; we so easily brush past them and don’t acknowledge what it represents.

Here, as I said , it calls for a celebration. And I am going to celebrate ME. It represents my grit, my sweat , my perseverance and my undying love for Bombay that made my dream to fruition.

But Bombay seems distant. It’s not as exciting as it used to be. The city has gotten lost somewhere in the concrete. And the people even more so.

So I am gifting myself the gift of dreams. I sincerely believe I want to be in a different city . This NEW city will flourish me; nourish my soul more than what Bombay is able to do for me now.

As I write a loving obituary for Bombay and all that it meant for me, in my mind; I have realised for a fact, that I am a city slicker. So which city is it going to be!!!?!

Chennai ?

Paris?

Munich?

Rome?

London?!

F**k! I love my dreams. 🥰

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 🤫

Fitting in

I set out on my travel adventure not knowing what to expect. Little did I expect to find my own self!

Growing up I had always felt, I dont belong in this world. I forever felt like a stranger everywhere . My friends and relatives made that notion stronger. Me being gay was not the issue. Because my first relationship reinforced the fact that i dont fit in. My self worth which was never great to begin with, hit an all time low. Rock bottom u can say. I could barely stay afloat even after the relationship ended . All the trauma and emotional abuse extended to me on a platter by my ex, I internalized it and made it my pathology; never realising for once that they were his bad behaviours. I hated everything abt me. I also chose to be ignorant to all my issues hence. I hated my anxiety; my body; my introvert nature and everything that was ME.

I can see that am using the word hate in the past tense. I can see the change. The process of undoing my knots and kinks began roughly two years ago. And here I am today. Noways have I mastered the art of self love. But i have found the strength to erase hate and replace it with love. Its a slow process. I go back and forth so many times. Travel helps me in this journey. And during this current travel; I loved myself like I have never loved before. I found Myself at the pebbly beach at dhërmi; at a bar during the music festival; up in the sky eating at athens; walking down the cobblestone pavements of corfu; sipping wines at santorini! I found myself shaking hands with my anxiety , with my fears, with my self worth and every part of me. I have realised, I am a sum total of everything good, bad and ugly. And its now, that I am learning to carry all of it together . I ain’t leaving any part behind! Rivers of tears have flown in acceptance and loving. But I am my best friend now; so I got my back!

I Belong. Exactly where I am right now.

Thank you for reading ; and if you have reached till here; I am sending some of my love to you. Stay blessed everyone.

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 😺

I am enough

I hear this often.

I watch it. People speak about it.

I am made to feel it. Feel bad. Miserable.

“You aren’t doing enough “

“Too gay”; “Not gay enough “

“Not authentic”; “too authentic “

“Too sexual”; “too feminine”; “not manly”

“Too slim”; “Not muscular enough”

All the things that I am querulous about self,

Get reinforced.

Because the world’s sense about me doesn’t make sense to me.

I am trying to understand, enough isn’t ever enough!

People will prod; they won’t let you be.

In this world celebrating hetero-normativity;

Being gay is my full time job!

But is that what I want?

To be busy protecting my gaydom?

Not really.

To stand and smile through this cloud of conscious soul damage,

I appreciate my resilience.

Even though I find it stifling,

I am on the path to soothe and heal.

I am in no hurry,

I am letting my truth come to me.

I understand the hurdles in realising my own self-love.

I try to mitigate the pain .

I try not to cheerlead myself everytime.

I appreciate the gift of my faults.

I stand in front of the mirror;

I see myself sans any labels.

Just a being; trying to rise like a phoenix.

There are no ashes;

But a lot of dust ;

From all the self loathing and self doubt,

Which I am brushing off.

I am seeing my life play out as a movie;

I am trying to see,

I am the hero of my own life.

It does feel surreal.

Despite the surround sound of negativity and hopelessness,

The whispers to self seem to be audible.

The picture isn’t perfect;

But the story is exciting.

The image does get blurry, but remains bright.

There are no subtitles,

Just a title that says,

I am enough.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.