theshinydiaries

Happiness

I am creating my own happiness; living it and also enjoying it. It’s not that happiness is an alien concept to me. But i have always been too scared to experience it, in totality. I used to look for sadness even in the realm of happiness. I felt, I connected more with sadness. Hence I always spoke more about my lows and “being down in the dumps” than my highs. I loved to celebrate it, you can say. I felt sadness and my lows helped me earn my place in this world. So technically, I had myself aborted the happy ME !

As I embarked upon my travel this time , I felt so happy. As the days unfolded, I kept feeling happier. “I have to stop this feeling”, I felt. Because it felt unreal. And then, sort of like an unconditional reflex I started to look for some faults and lows and mistakes. I remember calling Edel and saying the above. Truth be told I was loving the ‘happy ‘ feeling. So even though I felt the need to lurk for sadness; my defiant happiness took over. And for the first time i didn’t fight it. I basked in all its glory. I felt shinier. My soul needed this. I realised, I owe myself happiness as much as I owe sadness and every other feeling. So I let happiness take over. I felt it in every cell of mine. It didn’t and doesn’t feel alien. It’s incredible how i am reconnecting with all my long lost friends. Happiness has been one of them!

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 🤑

Post-Bombay

I no longer identify myself with Bombay or me as a Bombay-ite. This city has changed. I have changed. And so has my love for it. My love for Bombay remains as a memory. I treasure it. It inspires me to love some other city just as much.

I remember how much Bombay resonated with my existence during my teenage years and through my twenties. I dreamt of living, working and driving in the city then. And it’s so wonderful to have see my dreams turned into reality now. But I also feel a nagging sensation. Is this enough? Is this what I truly want?

Nonetheless I have decided to celebrate this reality. So many of us dream of things and situations but when they do occur; we so easily brush past them and don’t acknowledge what it represents.

Here, as I said , it calls for a celebration. And I am going to celebrate ME. It represents my grit, my sweat , my perseverance and my undying love for Bombay that made my dream to fruition.

But Bombay seems distant. It’s not as exciting as it used to be. The city has gotten lost somewhere in the concrete. And the people even more so.

So I am gifting myself the gift of dreams. I sincerely believe I want to be in a different city . This NEW city will flourish me; nourish my soul more than what Bombay is able to do for me now.

As I write a loving obituary for Bombay and all that it meant for me, in my mind; I have realised for a fact, that I am a city slicker. So which city is it going to be!!!?!

Chennai ?

Paris?

Munich?

Rome?

London?!

F**k! I love my dreams. 🥰

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 🤫

Fitting in

I set out on my travel adventure not knowing what to expect. Little did I expect to find my own self!

Growing up I had always felt, I dont belong in this world. I forever felt like a stranger everywhere . My friends and relatives made that notion stronger. Me being gay was not the issue. Because my first relationship reinforced the fact that i dont fit in. My self worth which was never great to begin with, hit an all time low. Rock bottom u can say. I could barely stay afloat even after the relationship ended . All the trauma and emotional abuse extended to me on a platter by my ex, I internalized it and made it my pathology; never realising for once that they were his bad behaviours. I hated everything abt me. I also chose to be ignorant to all my issues hence. I hated my anxiety; my body; my introvert nature and everything that was ME.

I can see that am using the word hate in the past tense. I can see the change. The process of undoing my knots and kinks began roughly two years ago. And here I am today. Noways have I mastered the art of self love. But i have found the strength to erase hate and replace it with love. Its a slow process. I go back and forth so many times. Travel helps me in this journey. And during this current travel; I loved myself like I have never loved before. I found Myself at the pebbly beach at dhërmi; at a bar during the music festival; up in the sky eating at athens; walking down the cobblestone pavements of corfu; sipping wines at santorini! I found myself shaking hands with my anxiety , with my fears, with my self worth and every part of me. I have realised, I am a sum total of everything good, bad and ugly. And its now, that I am learning to carry all of it together . I ain’t leaving any part behind! Rivers of tears have flown in acceptance and loving. But I am my best friend now; so I got my back!

I Belong. Exactly where I am right now.

Thank you for reading ; and if you have reached till here; I am sending some of my love to you. Stay blessed everyone.

~ JUST A GAY BOY. 😺

I am enough

I hear this often.

I watch it. People speak about it.

I am made to feel it. Feel bad. Miserable.

“You aren’t doing enough “

“Too gay”; “Not gay enough “

“Not authentic”; “too authentic “

“Too sexual”; “too feminine”; “not manly”

“Too slim”; “Not muscular enough”

All the things that I am querulous about self,

Get reinforced.

Because the world’s sense about me doesn’t make sense to me.

I am trying to understand, enough isn’t ever enough!

People will prod; they won’t let you be.

In this world celebrating hetero-normativity;

Being gay is my full time job!

But is that what I want?

To be busy protecting my gaydom?

Not really.

To stand and smile through this cloud of conscious soul damage,

I appreciate my resilience.

Even though I find it stifling,

I am on the path to soothe and heal.

I am in no hurry,

I am letting my truth come to me.

I understand the hurdles in realising my own self-love.

I try to mitigate the pain .

I try not to cheerlead myself everytime.

I appreciate the gift of my faults.

I stand in front of the mirror;

I see myself sans any labels.

Just a being; trying to rise like a phoenix.

There are no ashes;

But a lot of dust ;

From all the self loathing and self doubt,

Which I am brushing off.

I am seeing my life play out as a movie;

I am trying to see,

I am the hero of my own life.

It does feel surreal.

Despite the surround sound of negativity and hopelessness,

The whispers to self seem to be audible.

The picture isn’t perfect;

But the story is exciting.

The image does get blurry, but remains bright.

There are no subtitles,

Just a title that says,

I am enough.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.

Naked

Stripping my clothes;

I lie naked.

For my man of the moment.

Countless days and nights.

I have been naked.

For countless men.

As the men feast on my body;

I feel desired.

I tease them with my nudity.

I provoke.

I titillate.

I like them salivating.

It gives me a high.

I know i am using my body.

Am i being perverse to myself?

Lust compels me.

I give in. Too easily.

My heart tells me;

not everyone should have this kind of access.

But i dismiss that.

Everyone should be able to enjoy.

But do i enjoy?

Or am i forever pretending?

Am i blaming lust for my lack of self worth?

The thoughts are blurry.

Just as the bodies blur in the sweaty haze.

The stranger the person;

The more confident is my nakedness.

Baring bodies has just gotten way too mundane.

And when someone coaxes me,

To bare my soul;

To bare my story, my secrets;

I button up.

Body to body; i am naked.

Mind to mind,

I shudder.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.

Dream

I want to dream about my reality.

It’s not pretty.

It’s not glossy.

Is it even honest?

My dreams are larger than my life.

They aren’t rooted in insecurity.

But i am insecure.

I have failed.

There have been more tears down my cheeks;

Than laughs in my dreams.

Then why are they there?

Why does my mind conjure this illusion?

Is my joy an illusion?

Will this joy manifest only in my dreams?

My reality is fraught with guilt and shame.

My actions are probably sinful.

I do it anyway and try to forget.

And then i dream about fame and peace?

My soul is trying to heal my mind.

By showing me dreams.

They are not about my truth,

They are not real.

But i dream anyways.

One day it might make sense.

Till then,

I will try finding my way,

Through this maze of confused acceptance.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.

Gay & Shiny 2.0

This is me.

Beautiful and flawed.

Caring and conflicted.

I was hiding.

Had my wings clipped.

I did it myself.

I was scared.

To be ME.

Never had realised ,

That the universe had already defined ME.

I just had to own it.

Easy peasy?

Anything but that.

It’s difficult to own your truth and happiness.

I had to unlock my gay-dom.

There lied the key to a realm of love and liberation.

It’s one step at a time.

Just having declared years ago, wasn’t enough;

Now i discern.

It’s also about doing all that i love .

Bringing my cravings to fruition.

Breaking my own barriers.

Being gay.

My heels make me happy.

I own myself just a little more, everytime I twirl in them.

My clothes make me fabulous.

And i love myself more.

This journey was never meant to be simple and subtle.

But why did i stop having fun?

As i dab on my gloss,

I wonder,

If its too gay, too shiny?

Hell, yeah!!

Wasn’t it always supposed to be so?

Well, now I know!

~ JUST A GAY BOY.

Thank you, ME

Its been long overdue.

The obligation towards others was genetic.

I wasn’t trained to admire me.

But now that I’m looking ,

I am liking.

I was never my own focus.

Now, i focus on others through me.

I have started listening to you.

Oh ME, don’t i love what you have to say?

Your journey has been fascinating.

From the darkest pits of despair, you have crawled out.

Your bruises are sexy.

You know to love and are so fierce.

And you are here, shining , despite the heartaches.

You are precious.

I like how you are evolving.

You are militant and magnanimous!

Your sins are exemplary.

Your pathos is real.

The melancholy of your survival is romantic.

Oh ME, you are still so enigmatic!

You are unapologetic,

But now there’s no subtext.

Maybe you have started travelling lighter?!

The road ahead looks exciting.

And i promise i will admire you,

Through delight and depravity.

Thank you for having survived.

Thank you for not being a martyr.

Oh ME, thank you !

~ JUST A GAY BOY.

The guy in heels

I stood tall. I felt taller.

My heart quivering, my knees shaking;

I walked the walk.

There were eyes.

But i could only admire myself.

What was so spectacular anyways?

Was it the courage to do what i had always wanted to?

Or was it the new found freedom i had stepped into?

The anxiety of the unknown was somehow more comforting.

After all i could hear my soul singing.

I had listened.

For the first time.

The pain not withstanding, I danced.

The fear of falling was becoming smaller.

This was a trip.

More hedonistic than a rave.

I am guessing it’s going to be addictive.

Do i warn myself ?

About the eyes?

I could. I would.

But my eyes are seeing something beautiful.

And i am liking what i am seeing,

This guy in heels.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.

Love of lies

I was parched.

He was offering.

I was hungry. I was coming from a state of poverty.

He seemed generous. And helpful.

It seemed heady.

Maybe i was dreaming.

But it did seem like one.

He said he loved me.

Can anyone really love me, i wondered.

But he was persistent.

He insisted he loved me.

I believed him.

Maybe i could be loved after all.

I gushed. He fawned.

I loved it. I loved him.

But wait, isn’t this too good to be true?

My knight in shining armour!

He was here , trying to rescue me,the damsel in distress.

Seemed very textbook.

My heart took the plunge.

But had a sinking feeling somewhere inside.

We kissed.

It was brand new.

My body. My emotions. My heart.

But i couldn’t comprehend

Can love be really unconditional?

The universe detected my insecurities.

And soon the unravelling began.

Of my love.

He was not mine. He was of others too.

But he loved me he said.

I couldn’t believe him. Again.

My heart ached. The bruises seemed new again. And gaping.

I had to let him go.

But he held me. Said he cant. I am too precious.

Was i really?

One lie lead to another.

All he did was covering up.

As i lay naked next to him, i felt exposed and ashamed.

And even when his name was not his, i had no one to call to ; in love and in anger.

My world crumbled.

But it was still love.

I was , my heart was, true in his love of lies.

~ JUST A GAY BOY.